F*CK WOLVERINE

If anyone watched the Oscars this year – and I don’t know why anyone would have, but I did – you might remember that the most inadvertently hilarious moment was when Hugh Jackman, at the end of a huge song n’ dance number, shouted “THE MUSICAL IS BACK!” My friends and I spent the rest of the telecast shouting that very phrase at random, usually inappropriate moments – e.g., the video montage of dead people, Kate Winslet crying because she still has to go home and fuck Sam Mendes, etc. – and if my girlfriend really drags me to see this piece of garbage movie this weekend, as she’s been threatening to, I plan to shout “THE MUSICAL IS BACK!” every time I get bored. Rude? Yes. Funny? To me it is, and I’m a a narcissist, so fuck the rest of the audience. Also, the movie is not going to be good anyway, so fuck anyone who cares.

One thing that could have made this drek at least mildly watchable would have been an egregious use of Entombed’s “Wolverine Blues.” Not that this is my favorite Entombed song by any stretch of the imagination – in fact, the tie-in with the Marvel mutant seemed random at best back in the day – but, y’know, I’m grasping at straws for anything that would make this movie feel less like a mouth raping. Think about it: every time Wolverine gets angry, every time something explodes, every time something dramatic happens – this song starts to play:

THE MUSICAL IS BACK!!!

-AR