DEAR METAL BANDS: STOP BREAKING UP. BECAUSE YOU’LL INEVITABLY GET BACK TOGETHER.

Our bro-bros at Metal Insider brought up a good point yesterday; what’s the point of saying your band is breaking up or going on hiatus if it don’t mean shit in the end? Srsly wtf lolz! With the pending Faith No More and Cave In reunions this Summer literally every band to ever break up that still has enough living members to do so — and even some without — is doing a reunion in some capacity. Last summer’s roster of reunionites included Carcass and At the Gates, amongst others. And don’t front; the Soundgarden reunion will happen eventually. I’d put money on it.

So I hereby declare a moratorium on breaking up. Artistic differences? Don’t wanna hear it. Tired of touring? Tell me that again in a year when your records ain’t selling, you’re flat broke and you’re tired of flipping burgers. Fucked a band member’s girlfriend? Kiss and make up, then have a threesome. Don’t give me no “on hiatus” crap either ’cause that’s just a way of pussyfooting around the fact that you do plan on eventually playing together again. Just say nothing! Is that so hard? Quietly disappear, then come back years later and take the world by storm. Your lives, and ours, will be henceforth be much more drama-free.

-VN