GUNS N’ ROSES IS NOW A COVER BAND OF A COVER BAND

Directly from the horse’s mouth comes the news that “guitarist n’ songwriter [emphasis added to point out mental retardation] Dj Ashba… officially replaces current NIN guitarist Robin Finck” in Guns N’ Roses. “Once Dj’s name was in the hat, the hat disappeared!!” benevolent dictator Axl Rose exclaims, doing his best impersonation of my Uncle Morty.

Showing that Rose at least has a sense of humor, the statement concludes: “Now, one step closer to the abyss, Ashba joins a band who’s all time roster is nearly as long as it’s [sic] founder Axl Rose’s rap sheet!” Oh, Axl, you scamp.

Now, in all fairness, Ashba (who for some reason insists on using no periods in the initials in his first name, in addition to leaving the “j” inexplicably lower case) is actually a logical choice for the gig. He played lead guitar on the self-titled debut of Beautiful Creatures, which, despite a few truly, inarguably God-awful song, was otherwise more or the less the best hair metal album of the 21st century that wasn’t made by a former member of the original Guns N’ Roses. Or Loudermilk (who started as a GN’R cover band). Or Marilyn Manson. Or, heck, The Donnas. It was a pretty good record, though.

But Ashba is also the kind of clichéd choice Rose has done a pretty good job of avoiding up ’til now – his most recent credits are working as Nikki Sixx’s lackey in Sixx A.M. and co-producing Motley Crue’s unbearably bad Saints of Los Angeles. I mean, did this dude win the fucking lotto or what? A few years ago, he was playing sidekick to Joe Motherfucking LeSte; now, he’s gonna make buckets of cash playing Slash. Somewhere, Kerry Kelli is weeping that all he got was to be a replacement member in the not-original line-up of Slash’s Snakepit.

Also, he looks like a chick. Seriously. Look at how pretty his face is! (The one squinty eye lends it character.)

I just wanna toss him in prison, grab a bucket of popcorn, and watch the carnage.

Something else that sucks: all the guitar solos recorded for Chinese Democracy by Robin Finck and Buckethead – in other words, 98% of all the album’s guitar solos – will now be played by Bumblefoot, Ashba, and, if we’re lucky, Richard Fortus… and that’s on top of drummer Frank Ferrer playing CD parts first recorded by Brain after being originally recorded by Josh Freese.

And, oh yeah, everyone on stage who isn’t Axl Rose or Dizzy Reed (and really, no one cares about Dizzy Reed) will already be playing parts originated by other musicians.

Y’know what the saddest part is? If this rumored tour with Van Halen really happens, I’m still gone be the first in line. Somebody put me outta my misery already.

Here’s one last hilarious photo of Ashba, on the far left. On the far right is some other dude who, for all his faults, at least has made his name playing his own goddamn music.

That photo is one Ray Luzier shy of being the worst supergroup ever.

-AR

P.S. I know some fans are holding out hope Robin is still coming back because of this line in the statement: “Robin continues to be part of GN’R, by virtue of Guns’ history and his involvement in Chinese Democracy.” To those optimists, I have this to say: don’t be retarded.