ANOTHER SIGN OF THE IMPENDING APOCALYPSE: COLD HAVE REUNITED
I saw Cold open for Marilyn Manson once. Even though it was a good month after Halloween (I recall only because it was Thanksgiving weekend), guitarist Terry Balsucko wore a Michael Meyers mask the whole set and stood almost perfectly still, hunched over his guitar as though he should be in the belfry at Notre Dame; vocalist Scooter Ward stood at the lip of the stage, smoking a cigarette and remaining otherwise completely stationary; and drummer Sam McCandless’ hair was dyed to look like a cheetah’s fur.
Needless to say, it was the most painful forty minutes of my life.
SO. I got some press release last night about Cold touring with a bunch of bands I’ve never heard of and I assume are terrible. Once I got done having a panic attack, I actually read the press release, and, yes, the band has joined the “Nu Metal Refuses to Die” club and reunited, following in the footsteps of their heroes, Limp Bizkit (A band which, oddly enough, Balsamo played guitar with for all of ten seconds before Fred Durst finally figured out a number high enough to lure Wes Borland back into the fold.). Along with the Creed reunion, this is the latest in an ongoing trend of terrible bands from the 90s attempting to make a comeback. Which we always knew would happen – if two versions of LA Guns still have careers, there was certainly room in the world for Limp Bizkit to make money.
The difference, of course, is that I don’t mind hair metal, which at least doesn’t take itself too seriously,while scientific studies have proven that listening to Cold, Limp Bizkit and Creed will, without fail, lead to nut cancer. True story.
So: how long before all of these groups team up for big summer shed shit fest, the way Poison/Warrant/Cinderella/Slaughter/whatever other 80s band is avail do on an annual basis? And, once that happens, shouldn’t we all pretty much put our heads between our legs and kiss our asses good-bye, as the end of days will surely follow immediately thereafter?
While you ponder these questions, here’s the video for Cold’s “Stupid Girl,” the only Cold song that doesn’t make me wanna join a terrorist cell and devote my life to destroying the Great Satan. Mostly, I reckon, that’s because the song was written by Rivers Cuomo, so it sounds more or less like a Weezer song, but belly achier. Cuomo was reportedly really, really into Limp Bizkit, too, and I think I even read somewhere that he recorded a song with them or some shit.
Man, fuck Weezer.
