TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU’RE PROBABLY THE BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG AT THE CONCERT

If you’re at a show and any of the following descriptions apply to you, then, congratulations, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Seriously, kill yourself.

1. If you’re pushing people to get in or out of the pit when the show’s not that crowded and there’s a pretty clear path in and out of the pit, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Please push your way out into the street and then proceed to play in traffic.
2. If you have your shirt off at an indoor concert and you’re not a girl, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Now go take that bare chest and go run through a car wash. Don’t forget to ask for hot wax!
3. If you have your back to the band and are singing and/or rocking out while facing the crowd, as though to pretend that everyone at the venue is cheering for you, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. If you want attention so badly, you should probably go stand on a ledge someplace very, very high up. And then jump off of it.
4. If a girl falls down in the pit and you used helping her up as an excuse to grope her, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Please go commit a crime, turn yourself in, and then report to the prison shower for anal rape immediately followed by shiving.
5. If you’re so drunk that you’re puking before the headliner even goes on, then you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Now go drive home.
6. If you’re moshing to music that in no way, shape or form encourages moshing (e.g. “The Unforgiven,” anything by Swallow the Sun, etc.), then you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Since you clearly don’t care what you’re listening to when you mosh, please go buy tickets to a Katy Perry concert and bother those assholes.
7. If you regularly post on Lambgoat, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Van flip.
8. If you use the mosh pit as a place to re-enact your favorite scenes from The Karate Kid instead of a place to, y’know, mosh, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. Mr. Miyagi is dead and you get to live? What bullshit. Please ask your friend to karate chop your neck until it breaks. And pull your gym shorts up. You look like a schmuck.
9. If you’re from New Jersey and you’re at a show that’s not in New Jersey, then you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. No need for self-inflicted punishment, though. Being from New Jersey is punishment enough.
10. If you read this site regularly, you are probably the biggest douche bag at the concert. You also have very good taste.

-AR