CHRIS CORNELL IS SCARING ME… YET I CAN’T LOOK AWAY!

By now, y’all are more than aware that Chris Cornell has been recording with hip-hop producer Timbaland. The consensus around the blogosphere has been that this is going to be a fiery trainwreck of Mariah Carey Glitter proportions. Now, throwing fuel on the burning upholstery, Cornell solo concerts to promote Scream (as in, what you’ll probably do when you eventually hear this album) have been announced. I know I should just go hide in my secret underground bunker with my special lady and repopulate society until this whole thing blows over – but I think I actually want to see this disaster LIVE!

Call me madcap if you must, but the prospect of seeing Cornell as he fully metamorphoses into Robert-Plant-circa-1988 is just too fucking crazy to pass up. Additionally, everyone who holds their nose long enough to buy a ticket to see Cornell play the most awful music he’s ever done will get a copy of the long-delayed studio album featuring that aforementioned most awful music. (I’m still quite annoyed with myself for missing Scott Weiland’s recent solo tour, considering that “Happy” In Galoshes wasn’t half bad, despite the befuddling lead single that we all had trouble wrapping our metal-minds around.) The way I see it, it’s about time that I pay good money to watch my angst-ridden youth die RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE! THAT’S RIGHT, CHRIS: I WANT YOU TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME THAT SOUNDGARDEN IS OVER FOREVER AND THAT THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS SANTA CLAUS!

See y’all at the show!

-GS

[Gary Suarez is down on the upside. He also writes for Brainwashed and usually manages the consistently off-topic No Yoko No.]