FORMER LAMB OF GOD PRODUCER MACHINE APPEARED ON THE REAL WORLD: BROOKLYN THIS WEEK — WAIT, WHA?!?

Okay, fine — it was bound to come out sooner or later (and I’ve even posted on the format before), but yeah it’s true…I’ve become pretty addicted to reality television. Sure, I still have a couple long-form dramatic faves on tv (much like Vince n Axl, I too am a LOST-o-phile), and continue to believe that we should now and forever respect the comedic greats, but goddamn — in terms of ploppin down in front of the tube and losing yourself, there’s no better escape from reality than…well, than “reality”.

And so, upon watching this week’s Real World: Brooklyn episode, I was a leel surprised when it was revealed that Iraq War-vet/impish hamster-like wanna-be singer-songwriter Ryan, through a connection he made from meeting a music management dude at a bar owned by Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy (hmmm…difficult to mingle with industry folks whilst being followed around by multiple cameras? Can you say free publicity?), would be meeting with a producer by the name of “Machine”.

Immediately I thought, “Could it be?”

And yeah — it was.

For starters, why any music management folk would ever recommend a poppy-as-shit crooner (who can admittedly hold a tune, at least within the context of his incredibly cheesy and angsty songs about the war and other personal tragedies) to have a sit-down with a metal/hard rock producer is far beyond me. No, I do not have Machine’s resume (which I’m told, in addition to LoG’s Ashes of the Wake and Sacrament, includes albums by Clutch, Every Time I Die, Amour for Sleep, and…ech…Fall Out Boy) sitting in front of me (since the MS Mansion Monkey I assigned to that task ended up smearing poop all over the document), but I would wager that pop music, let alone unpolished, stand-alone acoustic guitar/whiny emo-ish vocals combo pop music, is not at the forefront of the man’s musical expertise.

But the poor shlub Ryan did indeed go into Machine’s studio (with a buddy too — why?), played the uber-experienced producer a song about tampons (on the winning advice of the friend he brought), and the meeting was promptly over (or at least that’s how the MTV monkeys edited that segment). Der — what else would you expect? The funniest part was when Ryan’s buddy, metrosexual Mormon hipster virgin Chet mentioned, “I thought you’d at least lay down a track or something…”

So craysee!!

(Direct quote from “The Tampon Song”: I would like to live…as a tampon…in the woman I love. Drunken songwriting should perhaps not be shared in the future.)

Only MTV knows whether lil’ lame-o songster Ryan will find fame (or even record his tunes) in Brooklyn, but dude seemed pretty discouraged after the meeting with Machine, which leads me to believe that he did zero research on the acclaimed metal producer. It’s like asking Puff Daddy (or Diddro P, as we in tha ‘family’ are calling him now) to helm the next Meshuggah record — a waste of everyone’s precious time.

Buck up and get back out dere, Ryan — I’m sure plenty of lame-o pop producers will be clamoring to capitalize on yer 15 minutes of reality tv ‘fame’.

[Read Apple’s profile on Machine / plug for the Apple software Logic]

-KW