CAN’T ANYONE MAKE A DECENT HEAVY METAL TV SHOW?

I must have been a “submissive” in a previous life filled with dungeons and whips and chains. That’s the only way I can explain my irrational belief that someone, somewhere can actually make a decent fucking television show about heavy metal. The good ones, like Talking Metal or Uranium get yanked, while the cool hosts, such as Jamey Jasta and Juliya, get deep-sixed as soon as they start getting popular.

Regardless, I held out hope for this fall’s newest unwanted bastard red-headed stepchild AKA That Metal Show. Not surprisingly, my hopes were ill-founded and short-lived. That Metal Show blows.

Okay, okay. I know it airs on VH1 Classic, but c’mon. Could the execs have tried any harder not to cater to their target demographic — metalheads?

TMS is a whopping 30-minute show (22 minutes after excising the commercials) that features three hosts, no music videos, and no talk about metal created after, ummmm, I’d say, 1984. It airs on Saturday night at 11:00 p.m. (EST), looks like it takes place in my dead Aunt Bessie’s pristine foyer, and is so not metal it is, quite frankly, embarrassing.

Even more unnecessary are the three, yes, three hosts. Eddie Trunk reminds me of that dorky Dave Holmes, who lost the MTV VJ spot to the retarded Jessie Camp all those moons ago, and is even more snooze-inducing. The other two dudes, I can’t be bothered to remember their names, serve no purpose other than to make fun of Trunk. Of course, Trunk does a bang-up job of that on his own with a completely irrelevant segment known as “Stump the Trunk” where audience members (which are comprised of the exact same people throughout the first eight episodes) read pre-written questions about some silly obscure producer of some third-rate hair metal band for an album that never sold more than four copies. The “Trunkster” inevitably misses the majority of the questions and gives away some crappy grab bag item. Hell, we here at the MetalSucks Mansion give away cooler gifts to you guys for making stupid comments about some funny ass photos.

The only redeeming quality of the show so far has been the guests which have included Lita Ford, Yngwie Malmsteen, Twisted Sister, Rush, and more. Unfortunately, they don’t play music but rather sit around and have the worst “2 minute drill” debate in the history of televised infotainment along with the three hosts. For dripping inanity, check out former New York Mets catcher and alleged metal fan Mike Piazza’s incredibly lame story about Axl Rose (Episode 5, Part 1 @ 4:22). The guy sounds like a total douche…no, not Axl. Piazza! [The MS editors strongly disagree with this statement, for the record. -Ed.]

I assume you’re sitting at home or at work saying to yourself, “Alright smart guy, how would you make this show better?”

I’m glad you asked. It would be easy, really.

First of all, let’s go with a better starting time. Anything on the weekend after 10:00pm is completely useless as the majority of self-respecting metalheads are well on their way to the local bar to check out some local talent like Skard Soul (RIP) or heading off to the nearby mega-venue to catch Heaven and Hell or Judas Priest or a decent mid-sized joint to watch Psycroptic or Blacklisted. Turn the damn show into the pre-game warm-up. Start it at 8:00pm and let it run for two hours. That way, your supposed target audience, you know, those pesky headbangers, will be at home gearing up for a night on the town and will use your show for their psyche-up entertainment purposes.

Second, have a smart dude with a decent sense of humor who knows his shit as your host. Don’t turn it into a lame stand-up routine, but rather have a walking metallic encyclopedia who can actually have a conversation that does not take place on Twitter. Think a Jamey Jasta sort with a bit more charisma. Sorry, Jamey, you fuckin’ rule, but I gotta be truthful here.

Third, hire a sexy female second banana, not as a co-host, but as a roving entertainer with a better-than-basic knowledge of the genre. She should be able to keep the guys glued in with the eye candy, not turn off the three or four potential female viewers out there, and display a respectable modicum of metal intelligence. Think a cross between Juliya and Tina Fey. Eventually, she will take over the lead host spot after the current male host OD’s on ketamine or gets arrested for sodomizing a 12-year-old Winger fan.

Four, show metal videos. Duh! I know, it’s stating the obvious. And show new ones. Save the classic crap for “Metal Mania” on VH1. We want to see new shit and lots of it. I know this one is probably the hardest as executives at music channels seem psychotically adverse to actually broadcasting music videos, but trust me, your fans will love you for this small token gesture.

Five, don’t timeshift on us. Nothing’s worse than settling in to watch your favorite metal show only to find out that it was re-scheduled for a later time. And stop with the extra five minutes before and/or after your show. My DVR hates you.

Six — Bands! Bands! Bands! I don’t care how illiterate, drunk, or stupid they are, nothing is cooler than checking out a band interview who is quizzed by someone who knows the genre. Who can forget “Dimebag” Darrell’s appearance on HBB with that entire Cat Scratch Fever hilarity? Priceless.

Okay, so basically all I’ve done here is create a sexier, smarter, more entertaining Headbanger’s Ball with tons of current videos and interviews that should air earlier in the evening so metalheads can have a little background party accompaniment. But, really, is that so wrong?

VH1, MTV, MTV2, Fuse execs — get on this, stat! Get rid of That Metal Show and give us a real fuckin’ metal show. ASAP.

If you just have to see it for yourself, VH1 has every episode of That Metal Show in full here.

-CM