WTFH2?

I am currently sequestered away in my cave hammering out my next book, so I don’t have any time to look shit up. Regardless, I have a few questions niggling at the back of my brain about some issues in metal. Maybe you can help me out.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO…?

• Sounds of the Underground– I caught the first tour and it rocked. Second one, not so much (Trivium headlining over In Flames?). The third year’s line-up looked lame so I took a pass. Correct me if I’m wrong, but was there no SOTU this year?
• Ozzfest – Free in 2007. One show in 2008. WTF?
• Headbangers Ball – Reduced to one hour a week. No host. Time slot changes seemingly every week. Too many of the same videos played week after week.
• Metallica – No, seriously. WTFH2 these guys?
• Brian Posehn – Okay, I cheated here. This isn’t a WTFH2, but rather a request from me for one of you MSManiacs to create a YouTube clip of Brian Posehn’s metal moments on The Sarah Silverman Program. Please? Pretty please? BP is the fuckin’ man!

• Ugly metal chicks– not that I’m complaining but the metal chicks these days are ridiculously hot: Christina Scabbia, Maria Brinke, Grace Perry, Ashley Ellyllon, Marta, Lauren Harris, Simone Simmons. I get teary-eyed reminiscing about such fugly rockers as Girlschool, Kittie, Cycle Sluts from Hell, L7, Twiggy Ramirez, Poison.
• Juliya/Uranium/Fuse – metal gets big, Fuse pulls plug. WTF???
• Lamb of God– did their career get a boost after the inclusion of “Ruin” on the “BME Pain Olympics: Final Round” viral vid? Would they have benefited more from being on “2 Girls, 1 Cup” or “Horse Fucks Mr. Hands to Death”? If you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, look ’em up. Just not at work. Or at home. Or in front of your spouse. Or your kids. Of course, it would have been even cooler if BMEPOFR was actually real like the old Joe Christ penectomy videos.

No, I won’t link it for you, but here is a pretty good reaction video to BMEPOR:

-Oh, yeah. I believe starting in 2012, all presidential candidates must have theme music culled directly from The Mentors for all campaign rally appearances. Barack Obama’s will be “Donkey Dick.” Sarah Palin’s can be “White Trash Woman” or “Mother/Daughter Team.” Mitt Romney can use “Macho Package” and Mike Huckabee should use “My Erection is Over.”

-Cobalt’s Eater of Birds (2007) is the best album I have heard this year. Too bad it won’t be eligible for my Best of 2008 list.

-Landmine Marathon’s artwork for their latest release, Rusted Eyes Awake, is awful, and I’m a fan of Basil Gogos’ Famous Monsters look.

-Damn, I wanna watch Meshuggah’s video, Bleed, one more time:

Alright, enough procrastination. Back to work.

I’m the Old Fart and I reluctantly approve this message.