SCARS ON BROADWAY AREN’T EVEN TRYING TO COME UP WITH BULLSH*T

As an American, I expect to be lied to. Even if it’s a bad lie. Of course Sarah Palin can’t tell Fox News “I flubbed the Katie Couric interview because I’m a moron and I don’t know anything outside of the talking points I’ve been coached on.” It would just be too insulting to the literally dozens of people who actually think she’s an intelligent, well-qualified political candidate. So she has to say she flubbed the interview because she was “annoyed” that Couric wasn’t asking questions the American people care about (And by “American people,” Palin means… actually, I’m not sure who the fuck she means. Not me.). It’s bullshit – it’s not even good bullshit – but it’s what we do in life, whether it be for political or personal reasons. If you’re not going to a friend’s party, you tell your friend “Oh, my dick is caught in my zipper” or something other than “I have better things to do.”

Well, apparently, Daron Malakian didn’t get the memo, because a statement released to Blabbermouth yesterday by Scars on Broadway is either a) bullshit so bad it makes Palin look like master manipulator or b) a sign that Malakian literally just does not give two shits about his literally dozens of fans*.

Here’s the statement:

“Scars on Broadway’s North American tour, scheduled to begin October 19, as well as their October 14 performance on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’, have been cancelled. Late last week, Malakian concluded that his heart wasn’t into touring at this time, so he made the decision to cancel all scheduled performances. There are no plans to reschedule.”

Seriously? “His heart wasn’t into touring at this time?” That could be true – I mean, given that Scars on Broadway has turned out to be a staggering disappointment, at least from a business perspective, I don’t think it is true, but I suppose it could be – but he couldn’t come up with something a LITTLE better? “Sorry I’m not gonna play for you people who were looking forward to seeing me, but I just don’t really feel like it.”

I understand that saying “We weren’t selling enough tickets” would be the music biz equivalent of Palin announcing “I’m legally retarded,” but that’s what the old “Due to circumstances completely beyond our control” chestnut is for. The last person to try the old “I’m here for my fans and if I can’t give 110% I don’t wanna give at all” line was Axl Rose. AXL FUCKING ROSE. The same dude who once claimed his management booked an entire tour he didn’t know about until he read about it on the internet. Nice company to keep, Daron.

The good news is that I think we’ll probably be able to count on one hand the number of people who are truly let down by the tour cancellation. But if you listen closely, you can Serj Tankian laughing his ass off.

-AR

*In case you’re wondering, the dozens of people who like Scars on Broadway are not the same dozens of people who truly believe in Sarah Palin. Malakian is a staunch liberal, after all. I mean, think about the guy’s lyrics. “It’s a non-stop disco/Betcha it’s Nabisco/Betcha didn’t know/Whoo-hoo!” If that’s not as powerful and condemning a statement against the right as one can make, then I just don’t know what is.