F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK

“And the fifth angel blew his trumpet. And I saw a star that had fallen from heaven to the earth, and the key of the pit of the abyss was given him. And he opened the pit of the abyss, and smoke ascended out of the pit as the smoke of a great furnace, and the sun was darkened, also the air, by the smoke of the pit. And out of the smoke Limp Bizkit reunited and came forth upon the earth; and authority was given them, the same authority as the scorpions of the earth have.

“And in those days the men will seek death but will by no means find it, and they will desire to die but death keeps fleeing from them.”

Revelations 9:1-6

Ladies and gentlemen, Limp Bizkit have reunited.

I guess the news should shock no one, giving the staggering bad box office receipts of The Longshots, Fred Durst’s attempt to become a Hollywood director.

Still, I can’t help but feel like someone just told me I have cancer. And it’s malignant.

Durst writes on the Limp Bizkit MySpace blog:

“Hello my dear family members. Yes, it has been a while. But a while worth the wait. It is getting very close to time to drop the bizkit on the universe. I say this with the absolute best intentions and motivation. We, Limp Bizkit, are excited about the future for us and for you. LBF is the way. LBF is for life. Let’s stir some shit up my friends.”

Durst then goes on to claim that he’s currently reading Nick Herbert’s Quantum Reality: Beyond the New Physics. Seriously.

Never before have I so seriously considered becoming a suicide bomber. If I could somehow be assured I’d find Durst and Sarah Putrid Piece of Walking Talking Feces Palin in the same room, I’d do it for sure.

The biggest twist (but least surprising aspect) of this announcement is that Wes Borland is actually showing some restraint and NOT re-joining the band (At least for now – I’d put money on his returning to the fold at some point.). He’ll be replaced by Terry Balsamo of Evanescence/Cold infamy. I had the displeasure of watching Cold live once. Balsamo wore a Michael Meyers mask even though it was already weeks after Halloween and didn’t move once the entire performance. So, y’know, he should be an exciting addition for Bizkit fans everywhere.

By the way, if anyone figures out what the fuck Durst means by “LBF,” let me know. I’d understand “LFB” as “Limp Fucking Bizkit,” but “LBF” has me baffled.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shove some toilet paper up my ass to try and stop the bleeding.

-AR

[Via Contact Music, who just ruined my day. Thanks, dill weeds.]