STRAIGHT LINE STITCH’S WHEN SKIES WASH ASHORE IS THE PROBLEM, NOT THE SOLUTION

I knew that day would come. There I was having the time of my life; tanning poolside at the MS Mansion, enjoying my dream of writing reviews for decent and better metal albums, then I was suddenly woken from my dream with a sunburn and a steaming pile of Straight Line Stitch in my lap. I sighed deeply because I knew this wasn’t going to go down easy, but I had to see it through. This is my job after all and I may not be a professional but I am honest. Sort of the opposite of the twit that wrote SLS’s MySpace bio:

“Armed with an unstoppable work ethic and a musical vocabulary that stretches from face-ripping metal to soulful, stratospheric rock … STRAIGHT LINE STITCH are poised to grab heavy music by the horns with… When Skies Wash Ashore. Though just 11 tracks in length, the album packs more dynamics and diversity than many bands’ entire catalogs.”

I think I just rolled my eyes hard enough to give me whiplash.

Dynamics and diversity? Oh, are you talking about the screamed-verse-to-clean-vocal-chorus song structure? Or did you mean the predictable breakdowns that took about as much time to write as it took to read this paragraph? We’ve all seen this sort of schlocky writing before, and though it was probably written by some faceless label intern with the band having no say in it, it doesn’t make statements like this any less offensive:

“For every double-bass-pedal assault, death-metal-inspired guitar riff … there’s an equally strong hook, texture or atmosphere. And whether she’s shredding her throat on a verse or hitting a soulful melody at the chorus, [vocalist Alexis] Brown keeps SLS’ songs grounded in enough raw emotion to cause goose bumps in even the most jaded listener.”

You better believe that I’m one of those jaded listeners, friend, but Straight Line Stitch aren’t the solution, they’re the problem. I’m jaded from having to endure the same riffs I’ve heard plagiarized so many times that I’ve forgotten who in the thick, congested cesspit of metalcore is being ripped off in the first place. I’m disgruntled from having to hear pop hooks straight from a Kelly Clarkson album embedded between lifted riffs and a breakdown like a sandwich well past it’s expiry date. In 2008 it’s distressing to hear a metalcore band be this blandly unoriginal.

Oh and Ms. Brown’s vocal delivery is just what you’d expect from the genre. That same sort of well-coached scream coupled with a high-school choir quality clean voice, delivered technically and efficiently but ultimately unconvincingly.

Doing a track-by-track analysis is a difficult job here as I’ve pretty much summed up their formula for you already. Jamey Jasta makes a brief and unremarkable cameo in “Taste of Ashes” but considering I have nothing great to say about this musician either we’ll move on and save myself some bitching. The lead single “Black Veil” is almost good for the first minute before the heavy tension is shattered by the chorus hook. In fact this album had a couple parts where I found my ear perking up and I thought to myself “wait a minute that’s almost cool, play more of that,” but it usually descended quickly back into shitty. “World Made Flesh” manages to avoid this by saving the best for last with slow and heavy power-chords blanketed by atmospheric lead guitar work. Of course SLS lack the judgment necessary to end the album there and instead include the throwaway acoustic number “Yesterday’s Gone” as if to offer us some sort of reprieve. However, I assure you that I’m a big boy with thick skin and my pulse never went above 70 listening to this album.
Since SLS failed to scare me I’m not afraid to give their album the rating it deserves: One horn for knowing how to play their instruments and half a horn for almost, sometimes doing something worth listening to with them. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a tan line to work on and hopefully some better records to listen to.

(1 ½ out of 5 horns)

-DBR