FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS? MOTLEY CRUE’S THE DIRT MOVIE NOT MOVING FORWARD JUST YET

Eventually, someone is going to adapt Motley Crue’s The Dirt (which I’m still fairly certain is the best book ever written in any language ever) into a movie. There’s too many greenbacks at stake for the project just to sit on the shelf forever.

But I’ve read screenwriter Rich Wilkes’ adaptation of the infamous tome (written by Neil Strauss under the guise of being written by the band members themselves), and it wasn’t going to make a good movie. In fact, I can guarantee you it was going to make a horrible, horrible movie. Wilkes is the writer of such gems as The Jerky Boys movie and xXx, so that news really shouldn’t shock anyone*; in fact, I have to guess that Wilkes got the job ’cause he wrote Airheads, which is probably the last Hollywood movie about metal that is only a semi-embarrassment to the film industry**. Still, Wilkes’ script was all set to go before cameras under the guidance of Borat director/Seinfeld executive producer Larry Charles, who is really way, way, way too talented for this lousy script. At various times, Ashton Kutcher and Johnny Knoxville were rumored to be in talks to play Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx, respectively, and Christopher Walken and Val Kilmer were alleged to have filled the roles of Ozzy Osbourne and David Lee Roth.

In other words, this thing really had about as much chance of being good as Lars Ulrich does of growing to be six five four feet tall.

So lucky for us all that the project, at least as we’ve known it, seems to be in jeopardy.

As Nikki Sixx tells Reuters (via Blabbermouth), things aren’t going so well with the Viacom-owned Paramount-owned MTV Films, who are supposed to be producing the flick:

“We’re trying to get them (MTV) out of the way to make this movie that should have been made a long time ago,” [Sixx] said.

“MTV has become bogged down in its own way. It’s a channel that used to be hip and has now actually become unhip. We signed with them because we believed they were right, but they haven’t come to the table,” he said. “We need to find the right partner. They are not the right partner.”

Well, before I say anything else, please let me be the first to congratulate Nikki Sixx on discovering that MTV is no longer hip. Next thing you know, the guy will learn the difference between his elbow and his asshole.

Now, onto the thing this blog post is actually about. I’m fully aware that Sixx doesn’t say anything about the crappy quality of the film that was getting made; for all I know, I should really be thanking some exec at MTV who had the good sense not to greenlight this potential two hours of my life that I’ll never get back.

But any way this shakes down, I don’t see the terrible draft of the film I read getting made. Either MTV will finally make the movie with a different writer, or the film rights will revert to Motley Crue, who, in all likelihood, will have to commission a new script.

And, hey, when that happens, worst case scenario is that they hire Fred Durst to direct a screenplay by the dude who wrote that VH1 Def Leppard TV movie (with Anthony Michael Hall as Mutt Lang!).

-AR

P.S. Our friend Allyson over at Bring Back Glam reports that Vince Neil just signed a book deal, meaning Mick Mars will now be the only member of the band who hasn’t written a pseudo solo-sequel to The Dirt. In other words, Mars is, once again, the coolest member of Motley Crue.

P.P.S. Oh yeah, Motley Crue have a new album out Tuesday. I haven’t been able to get past the third song yet. Stay tuned for my review.

*And if you think I’m just jealous of Wilkes ’cause I’m an unemployed screenwriter, well, you’re correct. Lucky fucker.

**Rock Star sucked. Hard.