DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN VS. DISTURBED: NO CONTEST

Alright alright alright. A valued friend just e-mailed me to say he couldn’t believe we were keepin’ our mouths shut about this whole Dillinger Escape Plan vs. Disturbed feud that seems to have suddenly broken out. I can’t speak for Vince, but I actually didn’t write anything ’cause I couldn’t find a way to make the whole thing funny.

Well, fuck funny. Now I’m just gonna say something.

The Dillinger Escape Plan wins. Anyone who says otherwise has never seen them live. Period.

In case you’re not caught up on this whole shebang, here’s what’s goin’ down: earlier this month, Beat magazine conducted an interview with DEP guitarist Ben Weinman. One such passage in that article goes a little sumpin’ like this:

“When Dillinger find themselves on dual headlining bills, or festivals, they get to see the sadly rehearsed acts of other bands. Heavy rock cavemen Disturbed were soundchecking before an English show and Weinman was taken aback that they were ‘practicing where they were going to walk and when they were going to put their leg up on the monitor and pose. That was weird for us. There are times where I don’t even know where I am.’”

Okay. Fair enough. But now here comes Disturbed guitarist Dan Donegan, who, Blabbermouth reports, responded in an MTV interivew:

“I never even remember meeting these guys, and I think we know anybody that’s even in the room during our soundchecks, so that’s shocking to me, because I would think that we would have met them if they were standing there during our soundcheck,” Donegan said. “That’s funny. When we do a bigger production, there may be certain lighting cues for certain highlights of the show, but I wouldn’t call it ‘posing,’ just a cue for our lighting guy, so he can add more drama to the set. If [DILLINGER] sold some records, and were at the level we’re at, maybe they’d see that, for bands like KISS and METALLICA, there are certain highlight points during a set that you want to focus on. If I’m going to go over to one spot and do a guitar solo, my lighting guy may need to know that, so he can focus in on that.

“If that’s posing, then so be it,” the guitarist continued. “To me, I don’t think we talk about when we’re going to put our foot up on a monitor. That’s just silly. It’s a natural thing we do. Those guys can say whatever they want. If that’s supposed to be a jab at us, am I offended? I don’t give a shit. If they’re saying it because they’re haters, why? Because we sell millions of records and lots of tickets? It sounds more like jealousy to me.”

I have so many issues with Donegan’s retort that I hardly know where to begin, so excuse me as I ramble for a moment:

• Making more money does not make you the superior artist. We know this because, throughout history, lots of brilliant men and women lived in poverty – and now no one even remembers the name of the people that “outsold” them. Maybe Weinman is jealous of Donegan’s success, but even if that were true (and I doubt that it is – Weinman’s not a retard, and I’m sure he’s aware that recycling the same riff for the trillionth time and making monkey noises will outsell mathcore pyrotechnics every time), this would be a specious argument.
• Even if Dillinger ever did sell as many albums as Disturbed, it’s tough for me to imagine Weinman (or anyone else in the band, for that matter) giving two fucks about the lighting guy. Anyone who has ever seen the band’s live act – which includes a lot of jumping, climbing, throwing shit, fire breathing, and general mayhem, which, as far as I can tell, is always 110% completely spontaneous – would realize this.
• I’ve seen Disturbed’s live show with all its gajillions of fancy lights and I’ve seen Dillinger’s stadium-sized club show, and it kicks Disturbed’s ass any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
• Is your lighting guy a ree-ree? Can’t he just, y’know, move the spotlight to follow you when you solo? I’ve seen lighting guys do it before. Look into it.
• WHAT SOLOS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ANYWAY?!?!?!?!
• If Weinman is just jealous, then you have no reason to feel threatened, and no reason to give a retort – let alone such a long one. It would seem that you’ve been studying at the Dino Cazares School of Debate. In other words: me thinks the hack guitar player doth protest too much.
• Just because you don’t remember meeting someone doesn’t mean you didn’t meet them, or that they weren’t in the room – especially since you’re a big famous rock star who meets thousands of people every week, and word around the camp fire is that you’re a real douche turd anyways.
• You sure you know everybody that’s in the room during your soundchecks? Okay, answer quick: what’s your sound guy’s name? I’d put good money on Donegan dismissing a beared, grungy Weinman as some stage hand.
• If you’re a better technical player than Weinman, you’ve never done anything to show it, so shut the fuck up.
• If you’re a better writer of pop metal songs than Weinman, you’ve never done anything to show it, so shut the fuck up.
• While you’re at it, why don’t you please just do us all a favor and shut the fuck up?

Now, I’m sure a few trillion Disturbed fans will leave comments below telling me why Disturbed are awesome and why I’m gay (or a similarly well thought out argument). All I can say to them is, if preferring Disturbed to Dillinger Escape Plan is what it takes to be a heterosexual, than I guess I’d rather go make out with some dudes, thanks.

-AR

P.S. That one was for you, Dave.