VENOM? VENOM, IS THAT YOU?

Holy crap, dude. Did you hear about this awesome new tour? It’s gonna be rad, dude. It’s Desaster with Throwdown, Airbourne, and Trivium are the headliners. It’s called the “Close Your Eyes” tour, ’cause if you close your eyes, you’ll think you’re at some awesome show with Venom, Pantera, AC/DC and Metallica. For reals, dude!

What’s that, dude? Oh, you don’t know Desaster? Yeah, they’re these totally smart black metal dudes. Like, while those chumps in Sigh were off recording a tribute to Venom, this band just made an album that sounds exactly like Venom – and they don’t have to pay any of the royalties! I know, dude, it’s totally sick, isn’t? Totes sicko.

Cool, dude. So I’ll see you at the show. And, hey, did I mention the best part? Each ticket comes with a free blindfold! WICKED!

(one and a half out of five horns)

-AR