HAGAR AND ANTHONY: “VAN HALEN BROTHERS? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ VAN HALEN BROTHERS!”

Wow. If that picture doesn’t get your dick hard, nuthin’ will.

So. If there’s money to be made doing something, someone will do it. Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth didn’t really just kiss n’ make up one day, and it’s not like they had some driving creative desire to do another Van Halen tour; it’s all about the Benjamins, homie.

And why should Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony not get a piece of the poundcake? A lot of people (like me!) who would normally never pay for a Sammy Hagar solo album or a Michael Anthony solo album are considerably more likely to pick up a project that re-teams the two, because amongst our deepest, darkest secrets are the facts that we once thought that Kevin Smith was funny, that we like to choke ourselves while masturbating, and that we don’t get angry when someone chooses “Runaround” on the jukebox. So, of course, sisters are doin’ it for themselves, as Michael Anthony writes on his blog:

“Sammy and I are working on a new project with a couple of good friends, and it is going to be totally KICKASS!!, so stay tuned.”

Part of me thinks that maybe my April Fool’s joke is on me and a Velvet Hagarevolver record is now gonna be a part of the really real world; I mean, ditch that dude who isn’t Izzy and slide Duff McKagan over to rhythm guitars, and you’ve just given birth to the band most eagerly anticipated by anyone who has ever thought the confederate flag was cool, seriously considered date rape, or is from the state of New Jersey.

But I’m probably getting ahead of myself; “some friends” are probably just Sammy and Mike’s kids. Which is fine by me. If there’s one thing I’m achin’ for, it’s some serious shit slinging in the press between Andy Hagar and Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen.

-AR

[thanks to: Saul Hudson]