THREE THINGS WE KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT THE NEW METALLICA ALBUM

1. It will come out.
2. The band will make a big deal out of announcing its release date when the time comes to do so.
3. It will suck.

I mention these three things because Amazon is currently listing an October 28 release date for the new Metallica album, and, for some reason, this completely unofficial and unconfirmed non-announcement has been deemed newsworthy, as though online retailers held the answers to all of metal’s release date woes. Which they clearly do not.

People: when there’s a release date to announce, the Metallica machine will hit you over the head with it so many times you’ll wonder why they didn’t just pay you to brand the date on your ass. So just relax already, m’kay?

-AR