TOP 10 REASONS THE VAN HALEN TOUR COULD BE CANCELED

Even though the rumors that Van Halen canceled their current tour ended up being untrue (according to a spate of press releases by the band and their management Eddie has a “medical condition” that needs to be looked into), four dates have been postponed. And even though we fucking LOVE Van Halen and seeing them at MSG last fall was literally one of the best concerts we’d seen all year, it’s still fucking hilarious to make fun of them. That having been said:

TOP 10 REASONS THE VAN HALEN TOUR COULD BE CANCELED

10) Sammy Hagar spiked the band’s post-show fruit smoothies with tequila, causing them to puke all over each other backstage.

9) David Lee Roth’s leather pants split in the crotch whilst performing the final kick-jump of “Jump.” (Thanks: MetalSucks commenter The Pig In Zen)

8) David Lee Roth’s surgically tucked tummy skin ripped whilst performing the final kick-jump of “Jump.”

7) Alex Van Halen played a different drum beat, sending the world into complete pandemonium.

6) Eddie got a call to do Oprah.

5) The sound tech cued the electronic samples at the wrong tempo, again.

4) Wolfgang took “Hot For Teacher” literally and had to be removed from the tour after attempting to shtup the tutor the Van Halens brought along to keep him out of trouble.

3) Michael Anthony attempted to airbrush the band off the stage.

2) David Lee Roth got a call to DJ a Bar Mitzvah.

and the #1 reason the Van Halen tour might be canceled…

1) Wolfgang ate the last Twinkie. All hell broke loose.

We’ll be here all night, folks.

-VN