ROCK OF LOVE SEASON 2 BEGINS: THE BAD, THE WORSE, AND THE INCREDIBLY UGLY

So the second season of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels has commenced. I was watching the premiere with MetalSucks friend Tommy Wee, who had never seen the show before, and he kept asking me why they would stick Bret Michaels in a house with a bunch of Bellevue patients; but that didn’t bother me, because crazy, ugly, third rate porn stars acting like total morons in a lame attempt to get with someone who hasn’t really been famous since about 1991 or so is the entire point of watching drek like this.

No, the premiere of Rock of Love bothered me for a much different reason. See, while most of the girls on the first season were less than attractive, they were not, by and large, irredeemably repulsive. Put more simply: I would never actively pursue one of the Brandis, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility that, while in a drunken stupor of horniness and self-loathing, I might take one of them home.

But contestants like Angelique – she’s the Planet of the Apes reject on your above right – actively make my penis limp. I mean, look at her: she’s fucking DISGUSTING. I wouldn’t fuck Angelique with Angelique’s dick.

In fact, the only girl on last night’s episode that I found even mildly appealing – physically speaking (because let’s face it, all of these girls deserve to be killed for even considering being on this show) – was Kristey Joe (above left), the Playboy model (and it’s important to note that there are two Playboy models on this season – the other one being that chick Megan, right). But she’s such a prude (and by “prude,” I mean “perfectly reasonable non-whore”) that it’s hard to imagine she’ll stick around for too long; she refused to kiss Bret after all the other girls because she’s a self-proclaimed “germaphobe” (smart move – 100 to 1 that at least one of these chicks has herpes) and in a house full of girls willing to blow Mr. Michaels at the drop of a hat, it’s tough to imagine that she’ll be able to hold his interest unless he comes to his senses and sees what a bunch of uggos he’s been stuck with this season; but given that he happily made out with the simian Angelique, I don’t see that happening.

But what did I expect? As sad as all reality show “stars” are, I’ve always found that second-seasoners are somehow even sadder than people who appear on an initial outing; I mean, I guess theoretically the girls on the first season of Rock of Love might have believed that they really stood a chance with Bret, but this lot has to have known what they were getting into. Tommy Wee expressed surprise that Bret didn’t just walk up to the girls and ask “Okay, who wants to let me jerk off on their face tonight?” and then dismiss any girl who didn’t raise her hand.

In other words: I suppose they had to scrape the very bottom of the barrel this time out. Women like Kristey Joe, who actually look kinda-decent and pose for Playboy and, as she confessed, are used to having men approach them don’t need this crap. They’ve got actual celebrities to fuck.

-AR

To see profiles on all of this season’s Rock of Love contestants, click here.