MIKE PATTON AS THE VOICE OF THE CREATURES IN I AM LEGEND: BEST. CASTING. EVER.

I Am Legend, based on a brilliant novella by Richard Matheson, is going to blow cattle turds. You know how I know? The director sucks (Constantine, anyone?), the writer sucks (Batman & Robin), and this is pretty much the same creative team responsible for fucking up another brilliant piece of genre writing, Isaac Asimov’s I, Robot, by turning it into by-the-numbers big budget Hollywood schlock.

Still, the news that Mike Patton will, in the words of last night’s press release, “lend his voice to the dreaded creatures” in the film is exciting. Remember when you first heard him on “RV” from Faith No More’s Angel Dust? Remember how wholly he inhabited the character of aging trailer trash? His recent voice-over work in video games such as The Darkness proves that the performance was no fluke: not only can this guy sing and howl his ass off, but he’s a legitimately talented voice over actor. And I wouldn’t be surprised if his interpretation of a post apocalyptic, vampiric ghoul was the best thing about the movie.

Of course, Patton isn’t the only metal front man in the VO game these days: Dee Snider was the voice of MSNBC for awhile, John Bush lends his pipes to Burger King commercials these days, and Patton’s former tour mate-turned-adversary Axl Rose did a vocal cameo as a DJ in one of the Grand Theft Auto video games. Now if only someone would greenlight Devin Townsend in Ziltoid the Omniscient: The Animated Feature Film…

-AR