THE DREADFUL DEMO FILES: BAVARIAN SONGWRITING CAMP

We music industry folk tend to get lots of unsolicited mail from aspiring musicians and bands. We’re nice gents and believe in good kharma, so we’ll generally listen to anything once. The problem is this: 95% of it is pure garbage. Another 4% is passable/decent but nothing spectacular, and the remaining 1% is very good but there’s usually some other story behind the scenes (i.e. the band ends up being a bunch of fat, ProTools-abusing 55 year olds). But this matters not: it’s the aforementioned 95% garbage that we’re concerned with most for our column The Dreadful Demo Files. For this week’s installment, check out this hilarious email we received from the Songwriters Camp of Bavaria (yes, really), after the jump.

Dear [REDACTED],

I would like to take the opportunity to making you aware of our Songwriters’ Camp in Bavaria which takes place from tomorrow 7th until the 14th of September. Some of Europe’s finest Songwriters will be joining to write for current projects. (There will also be current artists for co-writes).
The headliners are the Vacuum Writers from Sweden (current cuts: Tarja Turunen, Monrose, Cinema Bizarre) and many more Writers from Sweden, UK and Germany.

So please let me know if you’re searching for specific songs for your artist. Take this chance that some of Europe’s best Songwriters will be writing to your exact briefing.

I am looking forward to hearing from you

best
[REDACTED]

First of all, the grammar and syntax in these emails always cracks me up, but alas, English is not everyone’s native language, and this we understand. But let’s look at the actual content; nearly everything here is priceless.

First of all, the idea of a Songwriting Camp is hilarious, let alone a Bavarian one. I can picture a bunch of Bavarian dudes sitting around a campfire writing songs and slogging back delicious German beers. Actually, on second thought this sounds strangely appealing to me. Then there’s The Vacuum Writers — REALLY, this is what you’ve called your group? Good luck getting work with that one, folks. And how about the “current cuts” they name, as if these are some huge international hits I’m supposed to be aware of? Please, if anyway is familiar with Tarja Turunen and Cinema Bizarre, let a brother know. I am also EXTREMELY looking forward to Europe’s best Songwriters writing to my exact briefing.

Until next time, keep sending those dreadful demos our way…

-VN