ROCK OF LOVE, EPISODE 7: A-WHASA GOIN’ ON WITH LACEY?

Sorry. I was gonna hafta incorporate Bret’s catch phrase into a headline sooner or later.

Anyway, onto this week’s installment. So, at this point, I think it’s safe to say that the producers of the show are making Bret keep Lacey around for the sake of drama. Or that she gives, like, the best head ever. Right? I mean, Sam, Brandi M. and Jes have all told Bret that the bitch is bonkers, Bret has admitted that she’s nuts, and yet, week after week, he keeps her around. What gives?

Perhaps I’m taking this too personally. Watching the conniving Lacey work her evil voodoo this week, I realized I’ve known, and hated, dozens of crazy chicks just like her, and perhaps the same way I’m attracted to Sam because she’s so similar to every girl I’ve ever dated, I hate Lacey because she’s exactly like every girl I’ve contemplated killing.

ANYWAY… this episode’s assigned task – to design and pose for a mock-album cover for Bret – was both creative, and, potentially, a chance to see the house sluts at their absolute sluttiest. The “Sexy Six” were split into two groups – Lacey, Sam and Jes VS. Heather, Brandi and Mia – with each team consisting of two models and one “creative director” whose job it was basically to lead the shoot and pitch the concept to Bret (and his “celebrity photographer” friend, Evo; I googled this schmoe and came up with nothing, so a guest spot on Rock of Love is clearly the biggest thing to happen to his career, like, ever). Mia and Jes, being the shyest/most silicone free on their respective teams, naturally fell into the creative director slots.

And while Jes’ team may have had a clichéd concept – sexy angel vs. sexy devil – they also understood the simple concept that sex sells, and thus were a shoo-in to win the dates with Bret. Mia, on the other hand, idiotically went along with Brandi M.’s idea that she should dress like an old man (this episode really helped Idolator/Jezebel.com’s case that Bret likes “Blowjob Brandi” because she’s practically a boy). The resulting album cover – Heather sprawled out on the hood of a car which Brandi M. appeared to be fixing, or something – was, uh, lackluster, to put it mildly. “The hottest thing in the photo is the car!” Bret exclaimed, and with that, Mia’s fate as this week’s loser was sealed.

I mean, really: she’s ugly, she has no personality, she’s never won a task, she won’t put out… of course Mia was gonna be the next to go. As much as we’d all like to see Lacey leave. Which I’m pretty sure will happen next week anyway. What did surprise me, though, was that Mia was moved to tears after she lost: she seemed too, I dunno, something to weep over an aging glam rocker. Oh well.

So let’s talk about the girls who may actually win, then: Brandi decided to act like a chick after all, first making up for her shitty album cover by teaming temporarily making amends with her adversary, Heather, in order to team up and take slutty polaroids for Bret; later, she actually excused herself from dinner and started weeping in an effort to pull Bret away from Lacey. Both uses of her feminine wiles actually seemed to work, at least for the time being, and it makes you wonder why Brandi doesn’t resort to the same tactics all her competitors are using more often.

Sam is Sam. Her schtick is convincing enough that maybe she really end up with Bret.

And then there’s Jes… even Evo the Photographer told her “God bless you” for putting up with Lacey’s bullshit. There was a solo date awarded to the winning team’s creative director, and you gotta hand to to Jes for remaining more or less calm when Lacey tried to take credit for her work in order to land said solo date; but it didn’t work, and it was Jes “sucking face” (Bret’s expression, not mine) with Bret on the beach. Every week, it seems like, she does a better job of actually combing down her punk-pink skunk streak and making nice with Bret, and you gotta think she has a real fighting shot these days.

So now there are five – oh boy oh boy, it’s getting exciting…

-AR