FRED DURST IS LEGALLY RETARDED

Limp Suckit frontman Fred Durst recently debuted his first foray into the world of feature film directing, The Education of Charlie Banks, at the Tribeca Film Festival. Much to everyone’s surprise, the movie is apparently – I can’t believe I’m about to type this – good. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that Durst continues to seemingly go out of his way to come off as a complete and total mo’ron in each and every interview he gives to promote the film, including the one currently posted at Entertainment Weekly‘s website. We, of course, felt the need to re-print excerpts from Durst’s interview – conducted while Durst was getting a new tattoo from Paul Booth (of all the fucking places to do an interview…) – with our own comments in italics, of course.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: When people at the festival talked to you about Charlie Banks, did everybody mention how surprised they were that you — the frontman for Limp Bizkit — made this coming-of-age movie?
FRED DURST: Yeah, everybody’s really surprised. It’s a ”complisult” — an insult and a compliment at the same time. Actually, that’s called a back-handed compliment, numb nuts. You’re not allowed to make up your own words, especially if there’s already a phrase that describes what you’re trying to express. Blow me.

What’s been your experience at the festival?
I love it! I’ve always wanted to make movies. And it’s obvious to talk about the negativity that I’ve had in my life, but I’m really hoping this festival experience can help some of that disappear. I’m evolving. Karma is a bitch. You created all the negativity in your life by acting like such a jack ass for so long. Stop behaving like someone with Down syndrome on a sugar rush and people will stop treating you so poorly. Your mother sucks cocks in hell.

So you consider this a fresh start?
Yeah, that’s how I’ve had to see it for years now. How can you stay at the same place in your life? When you’re a kid, you see your parents reading the newspaper and you’re like, ”God, why are they reading the newspaper?” When you’re young, you’re not reading the newspaper. But there comes a time in your life when the newspaper’s cool. Soon Fred will be teaming up with McGruff for some “The More You Know” spots on NBC. I’ve been reading the newspaper since I was twelve, jack ass. It doesn’t make you cool. I hope someone shits in your mouth.

What changed for you? What made you want to start reading the newspaper?
“I grew pubic hair?” You know, in my music career there was a moment where the irony was just so heavy. There were people in my audience that were the reason I developed neuroses. Blame the fifteen fans you have left for things being so fucked up. That’s a wise move. These people that tortured my life were using my art, my poetry, as fuel for them, to torture other people. That part is true. I once got someone to confess to the murder of Abe Lincoln just by playing Limp Bizkit’s cover of “Behind Blue Eyes” on repeat.

What do you mean?
I was a kid who got picked on in school and got beat up by popular, athletic soccer-type people. Then I was looking in the crowds [at shows], and some real people were getting pounced on, pounded by those guys. You ALWAYS represented those guys, you dolt. What did you think? That “N 2 Gether Now” would appeal to the intelligent, introverted, sexually ambiguous kids who like Nine Inch Nails? Go fuck your uncle.

And you were feeling like you were helping facilitate that?
Yeah. It felt like this was wrong, and those people were misinterpreting [the music]. Gee, I wonder how anyone ever misinterpreted “Break Stuff.” They weren’t listening. Only if they were smart.

Was there one event at one show that did it for you?
“When one of my own fans hit me in the face with a bottle during the show?” No, no. It’s like relationships. When people divorce after 25 years, sometimes it’s just been developing [for a while]. “I mean, it took a little while for people to stop buying my records.”

And you wanted to make movies before you were ever in a band, right?
Yeah, yeah. I’ve always wanted to make movies. You look like a penis on legs.

And the whole time you were doing music you were thinking about making a film? You directed videos?
Yeah, but for labels picking singles that should have never been seen i) Singles are heard, not seen, ii) Are you implying the singles the label chose for you misrepresented you? What more emotive, meditative Limp Bizkit song have they have chosen?…I’m proud of the videos and stuff, but it wasn’t the same as being able to make a movie.

Were you trying to make movies the whole time? Did you come close?
I got a few offers — some horror films, a couple of cheesy bad-teen exploitation marketing failures. That’s the part where people can’t understand my logic, but I just don’t wanna direct movies that aren’t timeless. Seriously. Make some little legs out of paper, attach them to your penis, look in the mirror, and tell me it doesn’t look like Fred Durst.

Who are your favorite filmmakers?
Woody Allen. Hal Ashby. Kubrick. Cronenberg. Fincher. Scorsese. Mike Leigh. John Ford. I haven’t seen your movie so I may regret saying this, but that seems a little like saying your favorite musicians are David Bowie, Jimmy Page and Freddy Mercury: it may be true, but it ain’t comin’ through in the work.

David Fincher’s been a mentor for you. Where did you meet, and what has he done with you?
We met on the development stage of a script called Runt, about a Columbine-ish situation. It was in 2000, probably. The script itself was bad timing; everybody was scared of it. But Fincher and I hit it off, and he knew how curious I was about being a director. He took me seriously. I love David Fincher’s work, but that must make him the biggest schmuck in the world... Fincher said, ” You can’t be that guy in Limp Bizkit and make films right now,” because the bigger Limp Bizkit got, the more [the film people] couldn’t take me seriously. It wasn’t just film people, Freddy.

So it was hard for you to get this movie going because you were the guy from Limp Bizkit?
Yeah, it was the biggest speedbump. I’d imagine it was a speedbump to making new friends, meeting women with an I.Q. over 10, or walking in public without getting pelted with glass bottles. Oh wait, you DID get pelted with glass bottles.

What attracted you to the Charlie script in the first place?
How sensitive it was. Tragic. It was so sad. Not as sad as the staggering number of people who liked Limp Bizkit, but okay.

Were you worried about the setting at all, since it takes place among preppies at college in upstate New York?
No, I loved that. I didn’t go to college No shit, so I got to live vicariously…

How stressful was the directing experience?
With the music, there’s a venting. There’s my alter-ego guy Alice Cooper has an alter-ego, you’re just a putz up there, going [in a dark voice], ”Whoa, you gotta turn it on.” And I’m like, ”I don’t feel like it.” And the other guy’s like [dark voice], ”Do it.” And I’d go, ”All right, I’ll do it.” I, uh… oh-kay. If anyone understood that, drop me a line. But filmmaking is more about a good vibe. You gotta keep your cool.

So you feel a lot mellower now in your life?
I’m still young at heart, but I’m [feeling] a lot more 36. “I’m reading the newspaper now!” [Pause] You enjoy the aroma much more… Enjoy the aroma of my farts, dingleberry.

Do you regret some of the stuff from the past? The tabloid stuff, talking about Britney in the press?
That’s just something that happened. No, tripping on the street is just something that happens. Going on the radio and announcing the world that you fucked Britney Spears is a childish act.

Do you think Limp Bizkit will get back together?
I don’t know. That’s one of those things… PleaseGoddontletthishappen pleaseGoddontletthishappen pleaseGoddontletthishappen pleaseGoddontletthishappen pleaseGoddontletthishappen pleaseGoddontletthishappen pleaseGoddontletthishappen…

On MySpace you said you’d like to get all the original guys back.
Wouldn’t that be cool? It’d probably be…insane. Insanely irritating. RIMSHOT!

You think you could do it?
Oh, I could always do it. Uh, not without the other dudes in the band, you couldn’t. But there comes a time when you’d look silly doing it, with our type of music. That time was right around the release of your first album. And yeah, I can imagine there’s a point where you’re just singing along with words that you just don’t mean anymore. WHAT?! “NOOKIE” DIDN’T COME FROM THE HEART?! EGADS!!!

-AR