Fred Durst: Still a Moron

In the immortal words of Zakk Wylde: “Limp Bizkit can suck a bag of dicks.” I’m always a little scared that Fred Durst, the nasty little fucking waste of air, flesh, and natural resources, might return; even in a form as lowly as, say, Jani Lane, that’s completely unacceptable to me because, well, Durst never wrote a song as good as “Cherry Pie” or “Sometimes She Cries.” Plus, he once signed my girlfriend’s tit, and now we have to go to couple’s therapy.

ANYWAY, apparently Durst (pictured left at his most sophisticated) really did go off and direct a feature film like he always threatened he would- for some reason, no less talented a director than David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac) called Durst his protégé- and The Education of Charlie Banks, starring the kids of much more famous actors (Susan Sarandon’s equally voluptuous daughter Eva Amurri and Three’s Company star John Ritter’s kid Jason), will make its debut at next month’s Tribeca Film Festival here in NYC.

But what’s even worse is my recent discovery that over at the Limp Bizkit (when the fuck did it become “limpbizkit?”) MySpace page – where, incidentally, you can hear at least one song from the band’s last album that no one even knew ever came out, which is somehow even worse than all the Limp Bizkit songs I can remember- Durst (pictured right fucking up the most basic of metal symbols, the devil horns, by adding a thumb and thereby signing “I love you”) apparently keeps a blog.

Durst’s latest entry, entitled “tour” (sic), is re-printed below. I have, naturally, provided my own running commentary, in plain type; Durst’s original post, featuring all his typographical, grammatical, and spelling errors, is in bold:
i really want to do a limp bizkit tour. Please don’t. not just any tour. one that is monumental. a landmark event. You’re going to get the original line-ups of Van Halen AND GN’R to tour together? i would love to do a tour with the ORIGINAL limp bizkit. john, sam, wes, me, and lethal. that’s what i truly want. Then why did you break up the band? Last I heard, Wes was ready, and you refused to promote the new album. And I can’t imagine John, Sam, and Lethal can’t clear time in their busy schedules. Still, please: don’t. i miss touring SO FUCKING BAD. the feeling we have on stage as limp bizkit is like no other feeling i have ever had and no other feeling has been so rewarding. That is just gay. wouldn’t that be fantastic? No. wouldn’t it be a blessing? Eva Amurri’s tits are a blessing, you’re a fucking plague. imagine that me and wes could work things out together and be a band again, friends again. Imagine me beating you with a fuck lead pipe, you fucking fuck. fucking imagine that!! we had so many wonderful times. Unfortunately the rest of us were not able to enjoy them. so many magically unforgettable moments. Like the moment I read you broke up. i am proud to say that i have learned so much from my mistakes Then why do you want to get Bizkit back together? and it has taken a long time to evolve to this place where i finally let myself be healed. Homo. without limp bizkit i would have never gotten here. We know, that’s why we hate the fucking band. without wes i wouldn’t know what it is like to work with the best. Because after Wes left you actually got to jam with Eddie Van Halen once. without john i wouldn’t know how to protect my family. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but what a lame compliment two seconds after you called Wes fucking Borland “the best.” without sam i wouldn’t have ever learned to trust anyone. Christ, were you and Sam fucking? Isn’t this the plot of some fucking Hugh fucking Grant movie? without lethal i would have never been house of pain You were House of Pain? Are you on acid? What the fuck? All this statement makes me wanna do is listen to Faster Pussycat. and without house of pain i would be missing too much of my inspiration. I mean, “Jump Around” was an okay song, but c’mon dude, it was fifteen fucking years ago. the list goes on and on and on. i just want to say that limp bizkit is my life whether i am holding onto the past or pushing for the future. Definately holding onto the past. imagine how impossible i am to deal with. I don’t have to imagine, I had to fucking deal with you those five or six years you were famous. that alone fueled many of the fires. when i look back i can only study and learn. so here we are NOW. i want limp bizkit. But we don’t. always. that is what i want. i want it so bad. wouldn’t that just be the absolute best? it is time!!!!!!!!!!!!! now!!!!!!!!!!!!! rock and roll is not rock and roll without the pain we experience along the way. today is another day. today can be the day. Jesus fucking Christ, how much Hatebreed have you been listening to? what if we could just let the drama go and rock the fuck out because we can and because that is what we do? i listent Not how you spell “listen” or “listened,” fucko. to all the limp albums all of the time and i get so mental and emotional. it tears my heart in half the same time it makes my adrenaline boil. i live it. we all live it. all of us. i want limp bizkit. He must, must, MUST have been drunk when he wrote this.

Durst (pictured left “living” Limp Bizkit) concludes:

as for your madness on here….lighten the fuck up. or don’t. either way you will always be heard and understood. we connect with all of you. you connect with all of us. Oh my God, Fred Durst has gone completely retarded. we know you’re He means “your” pain. you must know ours. there is no right and there is no wrong, but there is limp bizkit. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! so don’t you worry your precious little minds when there is silence. remember there is always a calm before any storm. put your energy into wanting the bizkit as bad as we do and something is bound to provide for us all. have some faith. now turn it the fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

love,

fred

Jesus Christ, I was in a pretty good mood, and now Durst’s death threat to come back and declare another jihad is giving me fucking panic attacks. We’re a code red, here, people; we need to take extreme measures. So: Wes Borland, if you’re reading this: I really hate your new band, Blacksuck Vision. But I swear to God, if you get back together with Durst (pictured right with his new, sophisticated “silver fox” look) and get Limp Suckit back together, I will hunt you down and kill you, and kill anyone who has ever known you or heard of you just to make sure the world never remembers you or your awful band.

-AR