NOTES ON A HEADBANGER’S BALL – 3/10/07

Y’know, for awhile now, I’ve been wanting to talk about the current state of metal music videos. Vince often wonders why bands bother to make them, since MTV barely ever shows videos anymore and, when they do, they pretty much never show metal bands. But bands DO continue to make music videos, and once a week, MTV does show them, on Headbanger’s Ball. Since I haven’t been able to formulate any kind of definitive thesis as of yet on the current state of metal videos, I thought it might be interesting to, instead, review each week’s episode of Headbanger’s Ball. So without further adieu…

MUSHROOMHEAD, “SIMPLE SURVIVAL” – DIR: CHAD CALEK

Man, I’d about given up on Mushroomhead, but I really like this song. Too bad this video is so lame. I guess the color is supposed to look weird, but to me it just looks like my grandma’s television when it was on its last legs. I think the guy who directed this is the dude who directed that documentary last year all about how Slipknot suck and they ruined the Des Moines metal scene. At least Slipknot make cool videos. The new singer keeps looking into the camera and rubbing his chin or shaking his head- it’s all very dramatic and stupid. It’s a good thing this song rocks, ’cause this video sucks.

Now they’re showing that thing they show every week with Arsis and that heavy metal ballet bitches. I guess I appreciate that these chicks are trying to do something unique, but can you imagine that dude next to you at that last Slayer show watching ballet in any form? Didn’t think so.

THE HUMAN ABSTRACT, “CROSSING THE RUBICON” – DIR: DARREN DOANE
Generic screamo mathcore. It’s kinda interesting watching these directors try to do something on such a limited budget; these dudes are just standing in front of a blood-stained white sheet while the camera does all sorts of crazy shit. Yawn. God, these dudes are such dorks. I think I went to college with a couple of them. And beat ’em up.

Chimaira golfing! And they suck!

TESTAMENT, “TRIAL BY FIRE” – NO CREDITED DIRECTOR

Hm. It’s just as funny watching what directors did on no budget in the 80s, too. They were kinda more creative. At least these dudes have props and a set and shit. Anyway, I love this band. I don’t know why they weren’t more famous. This song is so metal it actually makes my ass hurt. The video isn’t doing the band any favors, though.

NEVERMORE, “BORN” – DIR: DEREK DALE

Some nice suburban boy watches lots of fucked up shit on television while grandma stares blankly out the window, and then the band performs. Pretty straight-forward metaphor. I feel like this video is too self-conciously spooky; it’s not nearly as disturbing as it wants to be. But I appreciate that this band is trying to make an actual political/ethical point and not just trying to look cool. Also, this song has a killer guitar solo, and the drums are so fucking heavy, for a minute it actually makes the video seem better than it is.

SEVENDUST, “DRIVEN”- DIR: MARC VADENBONCOEUR/MORGAN MURPHY

Every couple of years, some band tries to bring the back 80s hair metal video that intercuts the band performing with behind-the-scenes footage of everyone, like, laughing, and moving in slo-mo and shit (I think Kid Rock did it last with “Only God Knows Why”). This kinda thing usually works best with ballads (Warrent’s “Heaven,” for example), but the right band can make it work with heavier stuff (“Paradise City”). But Sevendust actually fuck it up twice: the performance footage is clearly just a rehearsal, not an actual show, which is kinda anti-climactic; and the images of the band being all lovey-dovey with one another seems to contrast pretty strongly with the angry lyrics of the song (“You’re sick with all the guilt/ You’re never forgiven.”). Man, this band really needs to get it together.

SEVENDUST, “DENIAL” – DIR: PAUL ANDRESEN

Ah-ha! So Sevendust always made shitty videos. Okay. This is pretty standard nu-metal stuff: the band is in a cage (they stole it from Staind who stole it from Nine Inch Nails, I think) while a bunch of people hang on the bars and dance and stuff, and then the director edits the footage in a manner which will maximize the chances of someone having an epileptic fit while watching it. Okay. Man, did metal videos suck this bad when I was a kid and I just don’t remember?

DIR EN GREY, “CLEVER SLEAZOID” – DIR: HIGUCHINSKY

This is one of those bands that’s getting a shit load of attention right now, and I don’t understand why. They dress like Portrait of an American Family-era Marilyn Manson and play pretty standard screamocore. The heavy parts are kinda cool, but the chorus SUCKS. Plus, they’re Asian, so they have no chance of looking really scary, no matter how many strobe-lit roaches they put in the video. I bet there are kids who analyze this shit frame-by-frame, as though it had some deep meaning. There’s actually one cool shot near the end, when the whole band is in silhouette and their shadows are up on the ceiling. It’s pretty epic. Otherwise this band does nothing for me, and this video ain’t doin’ a thing to change my mind.

TYPE O NEGATIVE, “BLACK NO. 1” – DIR: PARRIS MAYHEW

WOW! Remember this video? This is kinda cheesy the way all Type O Negative is kinda cheesy, which is to say, it works. It’s in black and white and Pete Steele is lit so we can just see his face in the shadows, and then the band is playing in the middle of some Satanic party in the woods. Dir En Grey, pay attention: THIS is how you use a strobe light. I understand why we all liked this in the 90s. This video is goth in the best possible way, before emo pussified it.

SLIPKNOT, “THE BLISTER EXISTS” – NO CREDITED DIRECTOR

Slipknot, or someone on their team, clearly understand the music video as a marketing tool, and this is no exception. Like “Driven,” it’s a lot of behind the scenes stuff, but they’re playing in front of sold out stadiums and festivals and whatnot, and it just looks like so much fun. There’s some worms and creepy shit thrown in for good measure, just because it’s Slipknot. But this video totally works.

Chimaira again. Now they’re talking about their tour bus. This is just a bunch of silly dudes making the music they love. God bless ’em.

EXODUS, “TOXIC WALTZ” – NO CREDITED DIRECTOR

This band reminds me of Anthrax: always had awesome riffs, but boy, their singer was lame. Then they got a new singer and started making heavier shit and now they make good records. Christ, this dude makes Belladonna look hip. He’s got a big white fro and keeps skipping around like Richard Simmonds. This is so dumb. Testament are to these dudes as Slipknot are to Sevendust, at least when it comes to video-making abilities. It’s pretty funny that Gary Holt once gave me shit for like Adam D. because he’s “so gay,” but no one ever had a problem with having Liza Minelli as Exodus’ singer.

TRIVIUM, “ANTHEM” – NO CREDITED DIRECTOR

Well, this video completely rips off Lamb of God’s video for “Redneck,” but that was already a rip-off of every Twisted Sister video ever made, so I guess it’s cool. This video probably had a higher budget than Human Abstract’s or Mushroomhead’s did, but man, nothing excuses the shitty editing and cinematography in those videos when these dudes have been so competently shot. I know that’s really pretentious, but seriously, how hard is it to make a metal band look cool? This is just a performance video with a lot of pyro, but you can actually see the band play, and everything just looks totally awesome. Mushroomhead should call whoever directed this for their next video instead of trying to pick another fight with Slipknot.

PRIESTESS, “I AM THE NIGHT, COLOUR ME BLACK” – DIR: JEAN LUC DE LA MONTAGNA

It’s like the Trivium video: nothing is groundbreaking, but it all looks cool, and it conveys the image the band wants to project: the colors are all browns and greens and blacks so it looks kinda well-worn and retro, and the band is playing in a basement, like some kids just rocking out in their garage. And since this is retro-garage metal, that all makes sense. Nice job, French Director with Long Silly Name.

FIREWIND, “FALLING TO PIECES” – DIR: PATRIC ULLAEUS

I don’t have anything especially intelligent to say about this video. If power metal is your thing, I guess it works fine, but some unicorns and fire and dragons and shit would’ve really spruced things up.

GOJIRA, “TO SIRIUS” – DIR: ALAIN DUPLANTIER

Dir En Grey, take note: THIS is how you make a creepy fucking video. Jesus, what the fuck is this video about? There’s a girl praying and dude who looks like he has a headache and a greyhound and some factories the spookiest looking little girl, like, EVER, and fuck me naked with a spoon, is that a giant pigeon? Do NOT watch this video stoned, it’s way too freaky. Good lord, what is wrong with the fucking French? I gotta fast forward through the rest.

ALL THAT REMAINS, “THE AIR THAT I BREATHE” – DIR: DARREN DOANE

Welcome back, Mr. Doane. This is a cool song, gotta respect this band, they do metalcore right. The best thing about this video: the explosion that comes at jjjjuuussssttt the right moment. The worst thing: how uncomfortable and stiff that chick bass player looks. Sheesh. Seeing this band actually works against them because, shallow as it is, only Phil LaBonte looks like a rock star. WHOA! I always forget how cool that explosion is. And the guitarist is wearing a Slash shirt… okay. I guess I can swing with this.

INTO ETERNITY, “SEVERE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS” – NO CREDITED DIRECTOR

God, this band is dorky, and I mean that in the best possible way. What an awesome mix of death and power metal- and they totally pull it off! I don’t even care that the lead singer is wearing eye liner and vamping it up like some Patti LuPone impersonator. This video is incredibly literal minded- it’s called “Severe Emotional Distress,” and it’s about some 14 year old girl who argues with her mom and cuts herself. Maybe some 14 year girl who cuts herself really identifies with this, but it just seems kinda silly to me. WHOA, THAT DUDE CAN SHRED! Yeah, I love this band. I’m willing to forgive the schmaltzy video.

KING DIAMOND, “THE FAMILY GHOST” – NO CREDITED DIRECTOR

Okay, no disrespect, but I swear to God, King Diamond must’ve had his nut sack cut off in order to hit those notes. This is, like, the most metal video ever. Black magic and paganism and dudes leaping off the stage and going into totally self-indulgent shred sessions. Yes. Yes! YES! I love this fucking video. Man, they really don’t make ’em like this anymore, and they really, really ought to. Shadows Fall: get workin’ on it.

BRAND NEW SIN, “MOTORMETH” – DIR: REY GUTIERREZ

I wanna like this band, but I don’t. The video is exactly what you’d expect: motorcycles and worn-in look performance footage and tattoos and beards and biker dudes and no chicks, like, ever. I could see how someone who digs this band might think this is an okay video.

Okay! Good first session, ladies and gents. See ya next week.

-AR