ROCK OF LOVE, EPISODE 2: BITCHES VERSUS WHORES
Can’t we all just get along? This week on Rock of Love, the girls in the house split into two distinct camps – those that like to party (“The A-Team Varsity Squad,” as they dubbed themselves) and those that don’t – but really, it was just girls with no self-respect whatsoever against girls with a little bit of self-respect, strippers versus almost strippers, pea brains versus pear brains, whores versus bitches.
Needless to say, most of the girls that any normal human being would actually be able to stomach – Sam, Jes, etc. – were in the “bitches” group, whilst the lowest of the lowly groupies (Brandi C., Lacey, Heather, etc.) were in the “whores” camp, getting drunk and naked in the middle of the day for Bret’s amusement. Lacey felt that the bitches – Jes, in particular – were being too, well, bitchy, so she did what any six year old would do and pushed Jes into the pool. This marked the start of Lacey’s declaration that she was going to “pick off the other girls one by one,” although thus far her machinations are not especially Machiavellian in their brilliance (or lack thereof: she’s going to have to do a lot better than arguing with Dallas about the inhumanity of eating burgers and wear rabbit skin coats).
Still, Lacey – along with Rodeo and Erin – was one of three girls to win the first date with Bret (and only a member of Poison could get away with having a first date with three girls all at once). This week’s competition to get a little alone time with Mr. Michaels? Phone sex, of course! A man known as “Dr. Roy” (“Not an Accredited Doctor” we were informed) actually attached a little sumin’-sumin’ to Little Bret to measure how aroused each lady made the singer as, one by one, they called him and tried to get him all hot n’ bothered (they each wore some sexy undies for the task, although since Bret could only hear and not see them, I’m not entirely sure why).
Honestly, I can’t even remember what Lacey did to get the thorn off of Bret’s rose, but after Erin faked a British accent and pretended to be a naughty nanny and Rodeo actually had a full-on When Harry Met Sally-style orgasm over the phone, they were pretty much locked to win (The super hot Tamara, no surprise, flunked when her one very lonely brain cell couldn’t come up with anything sexier than “I wish I was there with you because it sounds fun;” Jes and Faith didn’t fare much better and Tiffany, shock of shocks, got too sloppy drunk to even say anything coherent beyond her bizarre mantra “Don’t threaten me with a good time!”).
The not-so-hot winners of the first date got to join Bret and legendary producer Don Was in the recording studio, where they got to add vocal tracks to a new song (Lacey sang, Rodeo sang and contributed orgasm noises, and Erin just contributed more orgasm noises). And, oh yeah, they all made out with Bret to varying degrees – Rodeo getting the most down n’ dirty, and Lacey, for all her big talk, merely pecked Bret on the mouth (Erin tried to tell Bret she’s not a slut, but, by his own admission, he couldn’t take his eyes off her tits long enough to listen).
None of this was nearly so interesting, of course, as the infighting between the two camps of girlies. After Brandi C. got jealous that she didn’t win the competition, she made fun of Erin’s “clown tits;” Erin, in turn, gave Brandi C. shit about her “meth-scratched face;” and Brandi C., on cue, started crying, and her “best friend” Kristia (how the fuck are these two best friends when they’ve known one another for all of 24 hours?) took her to see Bret. Once in Bret’s bedroom, Brandi C. revealed that she’d been in a car crash and had to have 40-something stitches in her face, calling the scar “a disability” and comparing making fun of it to making fun of someone in a wheel chair. After some making out, Bret concurred.
Meanwhile, Heather, Queen of the Whores, decided to take it upon herself to have Erin outsted from the house in retaliation, and after she overheard Erin discuss her ex-fiancée with some of the other girls, she went around telling Bret (and anyone who would listen) that Erin had a boyfriend. It eventually became her word against Erin’s, and, showing just a hint of rational thought, Bret decided to let Erin stay awhile longer.
So who got the boot? From the whores division, it was the drunken sloppy mess known as “Tiffany” (sorry to see her leave so soon!) and Tawny, the no-personality chick willing to remove her top at a moment’s notice (“Erin has a boyfriend, she shouldn’t be here!” she wailed). Meanwhile, the bitches lost Faith (“I’m too good for Bret,” she scoffed, and, actually, she’s completely 110% correct), and the super-hot, super dumb Tamara (and you gotta wonder what’s going through Bret’s head when he ditches Tamara but lets uglier, barely more intelligent girls like Mia stick around). Someone else got the boot, but I can’t remember who it was, so she must not have been important.
Check back here next week for more updates, same Poison time, same Poison channel…
-AR
