Thy Art is Murder Vocalist’s Stage Clothes Were Stolen — But His Prized North Face Windbreaker is Safe!!!
An international crisis has been averted.
Earlier this week, Thy Art is Murder vocalist CJ McMahon revealed that his stage clothes were stolen while the band was on tour in Canada:
Everyone naturally assumed that this most heinous of crimes included the loss of McMahon’s beloved North Face windbreaker, which he often wears during performances despite the fact that he’s standing under a fuckton of hot lights and not enjoying a crisp autumn day in Cape Cod. Understandably, the assumed theft left the people of Australia outraged, with one source telling CNN that Australian Prime Minister Edmund Barton was considering a full-scale invasion of Canada to retrieve the windbreaker:
“Conversations with Prime Minister Trudeau have been tense, to put it mildly. CJ’s windbreaker is largely considered the most precious Australian cultural artifact since Paul Hogan’s knife. This is an unconscionable offense. That the Canadian government would allow it to happen is a slap in the face, and Prime Minister Barton will not let this outrage stand.”
Even President Donald J. Trump weighed in on the conflict via Twitter, implying that the culprits were of Mexican descent:
It goes without saying that this was all very, very troubling…
…which is why MetalSucks is relieved to report that although McMahon’s stage clothes have not been recovered, his prized windbreaker remains safe: Thy Art is Murder guitarist Andrew Marsh assures us that the item is currently in storage! No word on why McMahon didn’t have it on the road with him for this trek — perhaps he believed Canadian fans weren’t worthy of the privilege of basking in the windbreaker’s glow — but it’s a good thing he did. For a second there, it looked like World War III was about to break out.
Hopefully, the stage clothes of McMahon’s that were stolen will be recovered at some point. But even if they never are, we’ll all sleep a little easier knowing CJ’s windbreaker will live to break wind again.
