Calgary Police Service Lists “Playing Loud, Heavy Music with Violent Lyrics” as a Sign That a Child May Be Part of a Hate Group

Your initial reaction to this story may be to get pissed. That would be understandable. But you should not get pissed, for a number of reasons we can discuss once you’ve got some context.

So: the Calgary Police Service has released a leaflet entitled Signs of a Child Being Part of a Hate Group. The rise of hate groups across the globe is no laughing matter… but still, the mere fact that this leaflet exists should make you laugh. For one thing, has a leaflet ever actually served its purpose? Does anyone grab one of those cholesterol pamphlets in doctors’ waiting rooms, read it, and say, “Holy shit, I had no idea my diet was bad for me — I’m gonna make a major lifestyle change! Thanks, pamphlet!!!” That might have happened once in, like, 1960. But it’s not a frequent occurrence. Leaflets, pamphlets, and other “lets” convey obvious information to people too dumb to do much with that information anyway. That might sound harsh, but seriously: the best way to know if your child is part of a hate group isn’t to read some alleged authority’s list — it’s to have some kind of goddamn relationship with your child. Just a thought. (It also probably helps if you yourself are not a bigoted fuckhead.)

So this leaflet is already ri-god-damn-diculous before you’ve even read what it has to say. And what it has to say is really ri-god-damn-diculous:

As Metal Injection points out, this list is as back-assward as bass-dackwar gets. I mean that almost literally: if your kid is wearing or displaying Nazi propaganda or making racist or bigoted comments, then I think you can pretty much assume that he or she is part of a hate group and not worry too much about a sudden lack of interest in school or their taste in music.

Also, without exaggeration, at least five of the eleven things listed here probably apply in some way to 99% of all adolescents (for the cheap seats: lack of interest in school, change in appearance, new friends, music hated by adults, and a shit attitude). You might as well include those in a leaflet called Signs Your Teenager Could be a Teenager, right next to ‘zits’ and ‘frequent masturbation.’ “Oh no! My son won’t clean his room! HE MUST BE A NAZI!!!”

So like I said: don’t be too offended by this. It was written by dummies, for dummies. If your parents ever come to you with a leaflet like this, they were already idiots. Sorry you lost the lotto.