Counter-Counterpoint: Romantic Comedy is the Most Metal Genre

My peers Whitney and Rhombus have no argued, respectively, for Sci-Fi/Fantasy and Horror as the most metal genres. And while I love and respect them both, I’m afraid they’re also both wrong: clearly, Romantic Comedies are the most metal genre.

My reasoning for this assertion, odd though it may seem, is threefold:

1. The primary subject of the Romcom (i.e., love) has inspired just as many metal lyrics as the primary subjects of Sci-Fi/Fantasy and Horror — maybe even moreso, when you consider that bands ranging from Guns N’ Roses to the Misfits to Pantera to Pig Destroyer have all written songs about fantastical acts of violence that occur as a result of love. Furthermore, if you think that “belonging to something,” so to speak, isn’t part of the appeal of metal, well, look at all the identically-dressed people standing around the next time you hit up a show. If teenagers never got their hearts broken and never sought solace in obnoxious noise, Iron Maiden wouldn’t still have a career 300 years after the release of their first album.
2. Metal is the only genre that uses words like “brutal” in a positive way… save for comedy. Ever heard a comedian use the phrase “I slayed ’em”? Think those words have often left the mouth of Alicia Keys, do you? There is an undeniable connection between metal and comedy.
3. I submit to you that nothing — NOTHING — is more brutal than having to sit through a romantic comedy. If you listen to Cannibal Corpse obsessively and then make it all the way through A Serbian Film without vomiting and/or curling up into the fetal position and sucking your thumb, you’ve proven only what your death metal fandom would have already suggested: that you have a strong stomach. But if you listen to Cannibal Corpse obsessively and the make it all the way through, say, Bridget Jones’ Diaphragm without walking to the nearest tall ledge and leaping to your doom, well… THAT’S an accomplishment. Violence, dragons, spaceships — these things are easy to like. You wanna stare into The Void and truly understanding the miserable meaningless of conscious existence? Try watching anything starring Sarah Jessica Parker or Kate Hudson.

So clearly, I’ve won this debate. Sorry Whit. Sorry Rhom.

Still, you’re welcome to try and debate me in the comments section. Or you can just be smart and agree with me by saying those magic words: