And the Nominees for This Year’s Bullshit “Best Metal Performance” Grammy Are…

“Identity,”  August Burns Red

“Cirice,”  Ghost

“512,”  Lamb Of God

“Thank You,”  Sevendust

“Custer,”  Slipknot

Slipknot’s .5: The Gray Chapter was also nominated for Best Rock Album.

These nominees seem to be, at least in part, a reaction to the outrage over last year’s win by the metal-friendly-but-decidedly-non-metal-themselves Tenacious D. Not only are these all honest-to-Dio metal bands, but they’re all honest-to-Dio metal bands that, even if they’re not young per se, are not the usual legacy acts to get these nods (e.g., Slayer, Anthrax, Motörhead, etc.).

So who will win the paperweight and get to brag to their square parents? As usual, I’m guessing it comes down to whether or not the voters actually listen to the music. If they do actually listen, I’d have to imagine Ghost is a lock; not only is “Cirice” the best song they’ve ever written, but it’s barely metal, and will hit the aging voters’ ears far less harshly than any of these other songs. If they don’t actually listen but just vote based on which band they’ve heard of before, then Slipknot will most likely win.

These awards are total nonsense, of course, but speaking personally, I’d vote for Lamb of God, because “512” rules. But I’d be happy if any of these bands won, save for the perpetually-overrrated August Burns Red. And by “happy,” I mean “happy” the way you feel when you realize you can last another day without doing the laundry, not “happy” the way you feel when you realize you have a long-lost billionaire uncle who has just died and left his entire fortune to you. Relative terms, y’know?

The Grammys will take place on February 15. Debate the nominees’ merits, or lack thereof, in the comments section below.