Playlist: Metal For Getting Old

I turn 30 this week. Leading up to it, my birthday seemed like just another moment in Life. It’s only a number! I told myself. You’re a YOUNG 30 anyway! Thirty more years! But now that my Thirties are a few days away, I’m beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t just find an abandoned warehouse or clearing in the woods, pin a note to my chest that says ‘CREMATE IF CONVENIENT’, and then blow my fucking brains out.

Metal loves its grumbling oldsters, but fuck, it is a young man’s game. Hangovers last days. Moshing makes me feel like my heart is exploding. Around midnight, I begin yawning and coming up with an exit plan. My creature comforts are too important to me; three days in a tent at a musical festival sounds like an exhausting ordeal. Sometimes, when I’m feeling adventurous, I can thrash like my teenage self, but most of the time I feel like a shar-pei looks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited about getting old. Oh man, I can’t wait–my tattoos all blue-gray, my face hardened into leather, a couple of big mean-looking rings. I’m thinking porch, shotgun, old dog, bottle of Grand-Dad. But I’m not there yet. 30 is just young enough to still feel a sense of adventure and importance, even if it’s just old enough to remind you that you’re a Corpse In Waiting.

So here’s a playlist of metal that’s good to get old as balls to. Feel free to offer other suggestions in the Comments section; I might have forgotten a few obvious gems, but give me a break, I’m an old fucking man.