Top Ten Candidates to be the New Suffokate Vocalist

Matt Krawchuk is officially out of Suffokate after completely disappearing while on tour, re-appearing without any explanation, then ditching the band again later on. So who’s in? Suffokate are being inappropriately coy about the issue seeing as no one really gives a serious fuck about this band, claiming they’ve got a new vocalist without revealing who it is.

So we figured we’d have a little fun with it and speculate as to who the new vocalist might be. Here’s our list:

#10 — SHANNON LUCAS (Battlecross, ex-The Black Dahlia Murder)

Pros: Decent ear gauges (even if the solid plug isn’t Suffokate’s style), lots of experience touring, would elevate Suffokate’s game to a new level, brings cred.

Cons: Never fronted a band before.

#9 — STEGAN MILLS (ex-ABACABB) 

Pros: Respectable if mediocre gauges, young and ready to tour.

Cons: ABACABB.

#8 — MIKE BODKINS (ex-Suicide Silence)

Pros: Brings scene cred to fledgling band.

Cons: Gauges aren’t all that impressive. And why’d he leave Suicide Silence in the first place?

#7 — VINCENT BENNET (The Acacia Strain)

Pros: Incredible stage presence, right level of anger, rage against the machine/humanity.

Cons: Known to incite riots and anger venue owners — could be dangerous for business! Also has sub-par gauges.

#6 — PHIL BOZEMAN (Whitechapel)

Pros: Great frontman, sexy dude, well-known.

Cons: Currently employed by very popular band, touring would be limited.

#5 — CHRIS BARNES (Six Feet Under)

Pros: Chilled out vibes, experienced death metal vocalist and road warrior, name recognition, instant cred, had gauges before they were cool.

Cons: Famously difficult to get along with.

#4 – JOSHUA BALZ (Motionless in White)

Pros: Has lots of tattoos and piercings that stupid young who like Suffokate kids would dig (plus sick gauges).

Cons: Look at that fucking guy!

#3 — MARIA BRINK (In This Moment)

Pros: Dudes love her, would bring a whole new audience to Suffokate! Who says gauges are for dudes only?

Cons: Suffokate might be too heavy for “Revolver Hottest Chicks in Hard Rock” tour.

#2 — JOHN HOLGADO (ex-Attack Attack)

Pros: SICK ear gauges, tight bod (chicks dig), is currently not employed by any band.

Cons: Second grade-level grasp on the English language.

#1 — BRENT RIGGS (ex-Job For A Cowboy)

Pros: Completely unfuckwithable gauges, lovable dude with an excellent demeanor, not currently active.

Cons: Might love his weed a bit too much.