FEAR, EMPTINESS, DECIBEL: LISTEN TO AGORAPHOBIC NOSEBLEED’S HOLIDAY-THEMED FLEXI DISC, MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE!
Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli…
I was impressed when Wormrot crammed three songs onto our eighth Decibel flexi disc back in August. One of those also happened to run away with the coveted Best Flexi Song Title award (“Fuck… I’m Sober”). Until now. I don’t know if Wormrot’s short sharp shock treatment inspired Agoraphobic Nosebleed to one-up their international brothers in grind, but shit just got real. No matter what you think of ANb’s pathological need to provoke, you can’t say they half-assed their flexi, appearing this January in conjunction with our annual year-end festivities.
Scott Hull’s staff of elves has painstakingly assembled our first ever holiday-themed flexi, Make a Joyful Noise. If you thought Mariah and Kenny G had the market cornered on Christmas sounds the whole family can enjoy, check out this 11-song, four-minute stocking stuffer, featuring future caroling classics like “Hung Like a Stocking by the Chimney With Care,” “Santa’s Got a Brand New Bag,” and (…) “Frozen Corpse Stuffed With Holiday Cheer.” A limited number of copies of the issue with the flexi are now available in the Decibel webstore , so order now. In the mean time, the lyrics to this masterpiece, reprinted after the jump, should whet the shit out of your appetite.
Agoraphobic Nosebleed “Make a Joyful Noise” (dB013) by Decibel Magazine
1. EYES LIKE TWO PISSHOLES IN THE SNOW (2011 HOLIDAY EDITION)
Eyes like two pissholes in the snow!
2. HUNG LIKE A STOCKING BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE
His neck in a noose he hung like strange fruit from the Christmas tree
3. SANTA’S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG
Santa’s got a brand new bag of dicks to suck
Polar bear, jolly ol’ queer, Santa he likes it rough
4. RE-GIFTED
With all these fuckin’ nerds and goofs
Did you actually think metal was recession-proof?
RapidShare is a computer virus
Like an STD for the music industry it spread
And now all we’re left w/is this
Scion A/V free Crusher ten
Wrapped up and re-gifted to loved ones and friends
Remember it’s the thought that counts
5. NO PRESENTS THIS YEAR
No presents from Scion this year, just regrets
And this holiday issue of Decibel w/the ANb flex
6. WITH A SNIFF AND A WINK
Dilated eyes, rosy red cheeks
He put a finger to the side of his nose
Up his chimney it rose
With a sniff and a wink
7. RE-WRAPPED AND RE-GIFTED AGAIN (BY KAZUMOTO ENDO)
8. FROZEN CORPSE STUFFED WITH HOLIDAY CHEER
Mall metal teens torching a manger
Inficide, deicide, newborn baby Jesus burned alive
You shouldn’t have lied to your kids about Santa
Frozen corpse stuffed w/holiday cheer
Body bag full of gifts for all the boys and girls this year
9. GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Cannibal Corpse can eat Seth Putnam’s dead putrid dick
Obituary for Obituary, boredom the cause of death
Best thing about death metal is it’s fuckin’ dead
10. CHRISTMAS THROUGH THE YEARS
When my grandfather was a child
All he’d get for Christmas was a carton of cigarettes
These days that would be an expensive gift for a kid
11. LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM
Doomed labels all w/the wolverine blues
Shepherd their flock of sheep
To god city to be forever “Entombed”
By lord, savior producer, douche
Fuck Kurt Ballou
Bring your sound down to clowntown
Do you hear what I hear?
Your sound is now his sound
You’re paying for the name
-AB
The January 2012 issue of Decibel also features Lamb of God, Behemoth, Opeth, Mastodon, and Decibel‘s Top 40 Albums of 2011 list, and can be ordered here. But why not just get a full subscription to ensure that you never miss one an issue?
