ANALYSIS: COHEED AND CAMBRIA BASSIST WILL STEAL YOUR DRUGS
TMZ reported Sunday that Coheed and Cambria bassist Michael Todd was arrested for armed robbery in Massachusetts. Whoa! Police reports say that Todd threatened to detonate a bomb in a drugstore, then fled by taxi with six bottles’ worth of ya-ya pills. Yikes. That first part feels like a felony charge. And though the taxi escape plan is not fundamentally horrible, Todd counteracted its anonymity factor by getting dropped off at his actual destination. Which was the Coheed and Cambria gig with Soundgarden at the Comcast Center in Mansfield. Where he would be for the next three hours or so. I guess he expected to blend in with all the other old high people with pills spilling from their pockets. Sigh.
Shit, why is stud even stealing the stuff anyway? I mean, America is made of drugs. Drugs are for sale, barter, and loan. Actually, it’s kinda hard to not take painkillers. You needn’t buy them; just accept them. Why, on Saturday I split my pizza with these two random grandmas and left the encounter with a Starburst-sized percoset. Imagine if I were a semi-famous/-wealthy rocker! Those guys get the best grandmas. I mean drugs.
But, okay, maybe Todd absolutely needed like 350 doses of oxycodone in a freaking hurry. We’ve all been there. My advice? A break-in. Better odds, lesser charges. And the haul! You could get yr drugz, take care of your toiletry needs, grab some viagra to sell to Asians, hit the candy aisle, and still vamoose a half hour before cops arrive. It’s not a perfect plan, but it sure beats the bomb note strategy. Which sucked so bad that Todd would’ve been better off paying a homeless guy to stage a heart attack and then deploy a few smoke grenades and bam! he’s got enough Oxy to get a Kid Rock concert fucked up. Now it’s too late for Todd, but if these words save even one other druggie bassist, our work is done.
-ADF
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