HOOM! ANALYSIS: METALLICA, LOU REED’S SECRET PROJECT SHOULD STAY SECRET

I haven’t yet done the research, but as of this writing my hypothesis on the Velvet Underground is that the vaunted ’60s art-rock act is one of America’s earliest hipster bands, kinda faux-daring (drugs) and pseudo-cutting edge (violinist) but tuneless, boring, and ear-nasty. And if the aged music snobs in my life are to be believed, frontman Lou Reed’s post-VU career also is kinda silly, starting with dark, Bowie-assisted rock and then thirty solid years of critically-reviled claptrap.

I reiterate that these are all second-hand insights and my people might be wrong about Reed. (According to Axl, they’re super-wrong.) However, their observations got a full endorsement Wednesday night via the announcement of Reed’s collaboration with rock’s most artistically bankrupt artists, Metallica.

Let’s decode the situation: A once-provocative songwriter now separated by thirty years from his good ideas (who demonstrated this fact with a 2003 album based on Edgar Allen Poe works — puh-leez) teams with flabby, out-of-touch hacks whose crazed ambition has led them to target Rolling Stone-type rockist wankers with daddy issues for their next demographic conquest. Like Lady Gaga’s attempts to woo metal people with her flimsy lip service, only in reverse.

One, this pairing sounds like the shittiest shit ever; two, man post-Justice Metallica reminds me of a pathetically insecure high school kid. I mean, they just won’t rest until they’re liked by everybody, be it douche (Load), jock (the black album), girl (“Nothing Else Matters”), or lunch lady (Death Magnetic). Or until I take a dump in their lockers. True story.

-ADF