TRENT REZNOR SUCKS (BLOOD)

Hey Trent Reznor: You just won the Oscar! What are you gonna do now? Are you going to Disneyland???

“Fuck no! I’m gonna jump on the vampire bandwagon, that’s what I’m gonna do!”

Yep yep. According to Badass Digest, Academy Award winner Trent Reznor will not only score, but will also act, in the upcoming movie adaptation of Seth Grahame-Smith’s novel, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which is about exactly what you think it’s about. Reznor will apparently play the vampire who kills Lincoln’s mother, thereby setting the future president (he’s being played here by 29 year-old Benjamin Walker) down his path as a, uh, y’know. Vampire hunter. Talk about giving new meaning to With Teeth! (I had to get it outta my system. Please disregard.)

Okay, so as regular readers are aware, I’m usually Pro-Reznor all the way. But this is a terrible fucking idea, for a number of reasons:

• FUCK VAMPIRES. If they were ever cool, they are certainly not now. This trend has already been beaten to (un)death; by the time the movie comes out next year, the corpse will have decayed. Reznor is supposed to be at the head of the pack, not dragging the rear.
• The movie is being directed by Timur Bekmambetov, who is a hack. I know there are people who are fans of his previous movies, like Wanted and Night Watch, but I have to assume that those people are either brain dead, or even higher than I am. His flicks look cool, and that’s all they have going for them. This guy cares about telling a good story the way Kerry King cares about writing an innovative riff. I can’t believe Reznor is going from working with a genius like David Fincher (in addition to The Social Network, he’s also scoring Fincher’s upcoming adaptation of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and collaborating with the director on a musical stage version of Fight Club) to working with the umpteetnth dude who saw The Matrix and was like, “I can do that!” Unless Bekmambetov makes some serious evolutions as a filmmaker, this movie is going to be boring, boring, boring.
• FUCK VAMPIRES. Seriously.
• I have no idea if Reznor has any acting chops or what, but assuming, for the sake of argument, that he does, I don’t think playing a vampire is the best way to unveil those chops to the world. We get it: Reznor is a hero to goths everywhere, goths like vampires, etc. It’s about as creative as casting Vince Neil as a fat alcoholic.
• Also, did I mention FUCK VAMPIRES?

So maybe I’ll hafta eat a bag of crow after this movie comes out; maybe it will be awesome. But I doubt that, because I am never wrong. Mark my words: Reznor’s score will be the only good thing about this movie.

Oh well. I guess Trent was bound to let us down sooner or later.

-AR