AXL GETS HIGH AND TRIES TO LISTEN TO THE NEW PARKWAY DRIVE ALBUM

Based on the e-mails we’ve been getting, it seems that a surprising amount of readers are pissed that I don’t like Parkway Drive. So now their new album, Deep Blue, is streaming in full, and because I do love our readers at least a little, I’m going to smoke a bowl, and make an attempt to give it a fair listen all the way through in one sitting.  After the jump, get my thoughts, typed out as I listen.

You can also listen along with me by going here. That way we can all enjoy/not enjoy the album together.

Ready? Here we go!

“Samsara” – Just an intro. The first part is pretty cool. The Triple A riff that follows? Not so much.

“Unrest” – Okay. The first, faster section isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard – but I’ve definitely heard it before. And done better. But the “thump-thump-thump” parts? Those are the very definition of “Triple A riffs.” I’d kind of like to go through my “core” collection and see if I can find another band playing the same exact breakdown that ends this track, because I know I’ve heard it before. I understand why kids might like this.

“Sleepwalker” – Heard this song already. I like it a little more this time. The beginning is catchy. The solo at the end is fine. Still nothing special.

“Wreckage” – I like this the best so far. Of course, the bar hasn’t been set very high, but still. Makes me wanna bop my head. Okay. This isn’t awful! Good for you, Parkway Drive.

“Deadweight” – This is so fucking boring and generic. Fuck you in the ear if you like this song. Seriously. Jesus. I bet Justin Foley spent more time on his Triple A riff than PD did writing their own.

“Alone” – This is deathcore’s answer to a power ballad. I like the epic part in the middle. The rest makes me sleepy. People with lopsided hair cuts probably think this song is pretty. I bet they wanna use it as the soundtrack for their love making sessions. Thinking of scene kids fucking temporarily holds my attention while the rest of the song plays out.

“Pressures” – I totally spaced during this song. I was thinking about how I need to cut my toenails. I’m not kidding.

“Deliver Me” – I can’t believe any of you defended this garbage. It was fine for like the first few songs, but now I’d sell my soul to Satan just to make it end. Holy hell, people, THIS IS FUCKING AWFUL. You can’t swing a dead dingo by its tail without hitting a band that sounds exactly like this.

“Karma” – If there’s such a thing as karma, than surely PD will pay for this atrocity.

“Home is for the Heartless” – The gang shout part and whatever comes right after it is kinda catchy (yet still not memorable). Fuck the rest.

“Hollow” – It would be too easy to make a joke about this song’s title, so instead I’ll just say that it blows.

“Leviathan I” – This.

“Set to Destroy” – Ohhhh, I get it now. You guys who defended this band were being sarcastic, like Cody Barrick, right? That must be it. Ha! You really fooled me there for a second, guys. You actually got me to shit through this entire piece of shit! Good burn!!!

This garbage comes out next week or something. I dunno. Who cares. I just wasted too much of my life trying to be fair. If weed can’t help this crap, nothing can. Let us never speak of this horribleness again.

(1 set of completely identical clones outta five)

-AR