CORONER! CORONER! CORONER!

People are complex and multi-guised, and tend to believe their own bullshit, so it’s getting hard to identify the few remaining cool people afloat in the sad oceans of douche. But a bit of serendipity on Wednesday night has yielded one good way to find out if someone rocks or sucks in three easy steps: First, dial up the Coroner at HellFest 2011? story on Blabbermouth; next, shove the person’s face directly into it (or maybe just into the pic above). If, once read, this rumorish announcement of the first Coroner show in seventeen years causes the person to scream ‘Holy christfucking shit! Coroner! Fuckin’ finally! To France and step on it!’, then relax and rejoice — you’ve got a keeper!

It’s a time-tested, infallible method. I’d know cuz I’ve met a total of two Coroner fans since 1990 and both are awesome people! So logic is on my side. As are the facts that Coroner’s music is compelling as hell and and AND their guitarist is Skolnick and Friedman’s only peer there I said it. Now, Ron Royce’s voyce is always pretty low in the mix, the drums are utterly without dimension, and some songs plod a bit, but I guess that’s kinda the point; as awesome as they were — holy lord Mental Vortex and Grin rule — they broke up before reaching their peak. Let’s peak now!

Weirdly, their cosmetic resemblance is to Rush, each with a lyricist drummer, singing bassist, and subtle, affecting guitarist. Sound-wise, Coroner is like if Tool were a less confident but equally conceptual and stylish thrash band. Okay I’m pretty much frothing at the mouth already, so let me end this by noting that it’s well within the limits of reason here to demand a North American shed tour this summer (with 70-minute support  sets from Kreator, Atheist, Realm, and Anacrusis) and four new Coroner albums by 2014, all produced by Colin Richardson and Devin Townsend. It is written.

-ADF