BRET MICHAELS IS FALLING APART

On April 12, Bret Michaels was rushed to the hospital to have an emergency appendectomy; ten days later, he was rushed back to the hospital after suffering a subarachnoid hemorrhage. But then he was released and the doctors cleared him and said he’d make a “full recovery,” and now he’s on the cover of People lying in the hospital with his bandana on and joking around with Oprah Winfrey and announcing plans for new reality shows and blah blah blah. So the rough times are over for Bret, right? Nothing but smooth sailing from here.

Except maybe not so much: yesterday, he was rushed back to the hospital after experiencing a so-called “warning stroke” that numbed portions of the left side of his body. And when doctors investigated, they came to realize that the man has a hole in his heart.

Holy shit, this poor dude just cannot catch a break.

His doctor said that “The good news is that it is operable and treatable and we think we may have diagnosed the problem that caused the” warning stroke, but, seriously, I don’t know that it makes a fucking difference, ’cause that same doctor says it’s “highly unlikely” that the hole in the heart is related to the brain hemorrhage. Which would mean that Bret’s body is pretty much just rebelling against him. I mean, so let’s say they plug up the hole in his heart, or whatever doctors do in this situation; next week his leg will fall off, or his eyes will get sucked up into his skull, or he’ll spontaneously combust or something. I’m telling you, Bret Michaels is living out some Final Destination shit, and is not long for this world.

So that’s sad. I don’t know what the cause of all of Michaels’ recent health problems are, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s from years of partying and whoring. I asked Danzig about it and he said if Michaels would just consult a nutritionist then all would be well, so that was reassuring.

-AR