DAMNOCRACY’S EVAN SEINFELD GETS INTO VENTRILOQUISM

Evan Seinfeld and Tera Patrick split up less than a year ago, but the cause of the split was Seinfeld’s refusal to quit porn, so he handled the pain of the divorce like a real mensch and just started banging some other porn star immediately. Her name is Lupe Fuentes and she’s allegedly 23 years old, but she looks at least ten years younger than that and her videos have names like Little Lupe the Innocent: Dont Be Fooled By Her Baby Face, so it’s not as though everyone involved in the Lupe Fuentes business isn’t aware that the pedophile crowd is her bread n’ butter.

So some American rocket scientist named Carlos Simon-Timmerman bought a copy of that very movie in Venezuela and tried to take it with him to Puerto Rico – which implies he was on vacation and really needed to jack-off, which is fair enough, but who the fuck buys porn on a vacation? Just use your imagination, idiot. You probably passed a hundred hot Venezuelan chicks just on your way to the porno shop… you mean to tell me you didn’t store any of them in your spank bank?

ANYWAY, Puerto Rican customs officials thought the video was kiddie porn and were gonna lock Simon-Timmerman in jail and toss away the key, but luckily Fuentes and Seinfeld – who is also her manager – showed up with proof of her age and saved Simon-Timmerman.

Seinfeld and Fuentes were on television recently to discuss the incident, and the first thing I noticed – besides the fact that his little girl has the most irritating voice in the history of irritating voices – is that she’s sitting on Seinfeld’s lap the whole time, and that up until the 4:07 mark, when one is speaking, the other is silent. So for roughly the first four minutes of this interview, I was 99.9% sure that Fuentes was actually a puppet that Seinfeld was operating. And I’m still only half-convinced that she’s not.

Watch the interview after the jump.

-AR

Thanks to Rhett Warren for the tip.