WAKING THE CADAVER’S LEAD SINGER IS GONNA BE RICH!!!

Over the past few days, people have suddenly been leaving comments on our entries on wigger slam and the whole Waking the Cadaver versus Metal Inquisition debacle (In case you don’t recall, the short version is: Metal Inquistion‘s Sergeant D. called Waking the Cadaver “wigger slam,” and Waking the Cadaver vocalist Donald Campan consequently go so angry he let his retard flag fly and physically threatened Sergeant D., as is the custom amongst gentlemen.). Given that these are old stories (in one case well over a year old), I was more than a little curious to see what the comments were and who was leaving them.

Now I’m 99.9% sure that it was either Campan or a friend of his. To wit, this comment left by a reader calling himself “Eat Me”:

FYI- pretty sure you’re all the internet FAGGITS being referred to. Thus proving you’ve all earned the title gloriously. oh and also, the word FAGGOTS was spelled that way intentionally. Gather your facts lonely bloggers… you have enough time to do your research I’m sure. Enjoy your day of HATING from behind the safety of your internet anonymity.

And:

when have you ever seen a wigger or their original counterpart wearing a guttural secrete tshirt? waking the cadaver members aren’t rocking velour sweatsuits or fucking phat farm garbage. whatever i’m not arguing your right to have opinions but can someone clear this up for me… is it the fitted hat that denotes “wigger” & furthermore has anyone lately seen anyone anywhere wearing a hat that WASNT fitted? NJ is not full of wiggers, yes we have them, but you’re wrong in assuming thats all we’ve got. Dont bash Nj because you’re in some Po-Dunk (fuck your cousin)-town in Idaho or Nebraska. IF it’s not the metal t-shirt, the fitted hat, it obviously isnt the hoodies – what is it that makes these people “wiggers”?! Clear this shit up for me cause i’m lost. seems like you’re all just looking for shit to bitch about. get off your fat lazy asses, get outside and get some excersize so you can actually find your dicks & then we’ll see if you still have all this time to waste bitching like little schoolgirls about “the cute little outfits” these guys are wearing. shits weak…

So, to review: Eat Me is arguing that the word “faggot” was misspelled intentionally (But why, Eat Me? I don’t understand the reasoning behind deliberately coming off as a total moron.) and that no one who wears a death metal shirt could ever be a wigger, I guess because we all know that black people hate metal. Oh wait.

(Also, Eat Me, if you’re reading this – and I know that you are – we’re in NYC, which is a lot of things, but it’s not a “Po-Dunk (fuck your cousin)-town in Idaho or Nebraska.” I assume you know NYC because you and your people come here every Friday and Saturday night to terrorize the actual inhabitants of the town, but if you need me to e-mail you a map, just drop me a line at axl [at] metalsucks.net. And chill, wigga.)

Why am I telling you all of this? Mostly as a very, very long-winded introduction to the fact that Metal Inquistion’s Sergeant D. has made another amazing discovery about Campman: that he is now selling Amway products through his MySpace page.

Now, for those of you who aren’t familiar with Amway, it’s basically a pyramid scheme, created by assholes in order to make money by scamming other assholes too stupid to realize that they’re doing the bidding of assholes of vaguely superior intellect. But the key word you need to remember is “scam.” It’s a scam. It’s all bullshit. And the people that buy into it are, pretty much without fail, completely fucktarded. Which, we’ve already established, Campan is.

Sergeant D. makes many, many excellent observations about Campan as an IBO (independent business salesman), not least of which is the fact that Campan’s choices of which products to sell make absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever (“What woman wouldn’t jump at the chance to buy off-brand cosmetics from the man who wrote ‘Chased Through The Woods By A Rapist?’” Sergeant D. correctly wonders.). He also makes suggestions for future products Campan could sell, such as the Waking the Cadaver gaydar, to ensure that Campan makes good on his declaration that he never talks to fagits. I strongly encourage you to read all of Sergeant D.’s article to brighten your otherwise shitty, meaningless life.

-AR

P.S. Satan Rosenbloom tried to explain to me the difference between wigger slam and deathcore the other night, and I think I get it now: wigger slam is all the breakdowns of deathcore with none of the fast parts. To which I say: pppppfffffftttttt.