HOLY WORTHLESS AWARDS SHOW!!! THE METALSUCKS GRAMMY ROUND-UP
So yeah, we all sat around last nite in the family room of the MS Mansion and chuckled incessantly as our infamous MS Monkeys instinctively knew to fling their feces at the wall onto which we were projecting the Grammy Awards broadcast (in between games of Guitar Hero)…lucky for us, 1) it’s only a wall and 2) we have the aforementioned monkeys to clean up their own poop.
In any case, a few things happened on the show which seemed vaguely noteworthy:
— Bruce Springsteen won Best Rock Song for “Girls in Their Summer Clothes”. We didn’t realize the Boss was still makin de hitz, but obviously fully endorse girls and their summer clothes (or lack thereof).
— Coldplay won for Best Rock Album. Ugh.
— Radiohead won Best Alternative Music Album for their excellent In Rainbows. We cheered, but then became confused because we thought “alternative music” and that term itself died in the late 90s. In between beer bongs, Sammy O’Hagar predicted that in the next couple years, the Grammies would change that particular award title to Best Indie Music Album. We agreed, and also found it funny that Pitchfork didn’t mention anything about “metal” or “hard rock” in their Grammy round-up. Pussies.
— Daft Punk won awards for both “Best Dance Recording” and “Best Electronic/Dance Album“. In celebration, the Monkeys unveiled their much-buzzed-about synchronized dance routine that we’ve been hearing about for months now. It rivaled the best that Alvin Ailey ever had to offer.
— John Mayer won for “Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance“. Although we recognize that he can actually play the guitar decently and continues to get gazillions of college dudes laid, the consensus ’round these parts is that Mayer decidedly does not, in fact, “rock”. (Vince put up one hell of an argument, but he also thinks that this chick is “totally tubular” and was therefore overruled by all of the writers and 96% of the Monkeys.)
— Kings of Leon won Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals for a track entitled “Sex on Fire”. We all nodded and shrugged, having mostly approved of the group’s older material but never laid ears on their latest release…in our increasingly stoned state (David Bee Roth insisted on quadrupling the amount of ganj in his Grammy’s {pun intended} Pot Brownie Recipe), we all silently wondered what it would be like to have sex whilst on fire. The mere thought singed each of our wieners a leel, but the mental image was indeed br00tal. Conflagration copulation — W O O F.
— The Mars Volta, who I obviously continue to think are pushing the boundaries of progressive rock (despite their live show having devolved into a spacey, drawn-out challenge for any audience), won for Best Hard Rock Performance. Metalheads everywhere could hardly give 1/4th of a shit, claiming that “The Mars Volta aren’t metal in the least, and you should stop writing about them…” Too bad I couldn’t hear you, as I wasn’t listening to your e-whining.
— Old fogies Metallica won Best Metal Performance for the track “My Apocalypse” from their recent underwhelming release Death Magnetic. One of the head honchos of MetalAintCool frustratedly muttered “that Metallica won anything is a testament to the fact that the grammies are completely irrelevant”. We all agreed, and then waxed philosophic on the band Testament for a while, who, in case you didn’t know, are only, like, one of the top 40 thrash bands of all time!”
— and finally, Robert Plant (& Alison Krauss) won 5 awards (including Record of the Year and Album of the Year, but lost Song of the Year to Coldplay, ugh) — everyone loves a comeback, no? Obviously we support Plant (and are increasingly curious about his duets with Krauss), and Zeppelin are still the best rock n’ roll band EVER, but does this mean that the Zeppelin reunion status will continue to be (un)determined? Brothels.
-KW
