ON THE METALSUCKS MANSION MONKEYS

They are a rare cross-breed of monkey, falcon, and bobcat (recessive gene thus far), and have been infused with an unusual amount of intelligence for similar such Frankenstein-inspired experiments…Vince and Axl seem convinced that with each genus level forward, the MS Monkeyz (currently on version 3.4) ought to be able to achieve technological advancements that even humans haven’t conquered thus far. Case in point: the aforementioned time machine that a good 45% of our monkey task force is presently assigned to.

The allocation of funds (in gold form, locked away with the new Lamb of God album in the heavily-guarded vault, just a few corridors down from the Wingerschmidt Wing, actually) for such a project has been unparalleled, with a whopping $29,458 spent this year alone. Yeah — I mean 2009. Crazy, right? It’s become our biggest expenditure, after…well you know, funny plants (which in the first few weeks of this year have already set us back a staggering $44,076.32 — tax paid on rolling papers included).

Rest assured, we take precious good care of our simian siblings — save for Sammy O’Hagar, who insists that they work much better on copious amounts of cocaine, despite several of the poor buggers’ hearts exploding. I’ve taken one of the lovable leel fellers under my tutelage in an effort to train him musically so that he can one day (soon, hopefully) play bass guitar for my band…and he’s doing really well (for a super-intelligent monkey/falcon/bobcat (recessive)) — holding down a groove in 7/8 is no problem (obviously a prerequisite), but admittedly the time signature changes do tend to lack that necessary fluidity. Clearly it’s a work in progress.

Even Anton OyVey has accepted a few of the more rabbinical-minded monkeys into his prestigious secret underground yeshiva. Mazel tov, Monkey Mensches!!

And in case you were wondering: yes, we do have several other cross-bred species in the works…all to be revealed in due time.

-KW