METALLICA REALLY WERE IN A MOVIE WITH WINONA RYDER

On Sunday night Vince and myself, through circumstances too depressing to go into here, ended up having dinner with my folks. And the thing about Mr. & Mrs. Rosenberg is this: they’re old and they’re bat shit crazy. I’m sure some of you can relate: you get a call saying “Oh, we saw this wonderful movie last night,” but then they can’t remember the name of the movie, what it was about, or who was in it. It’s quite thrilling, really.

ANYWAY, so there we were, attempting to enjoy our meals, when my parents began to insist that that they’d see a movie on television the night before that starred klepto-hottie/former Page Hamilton shtupper Winona Ryder and Shakespeare in Oh MY God is This Shit Almost Over?‘s Joseph Fiennes… and featured a cameo from Metallica.

So, naturally, I assumed they were out of their fucking minds.

As it turns out, though, Metallica really were in a movie with Winona Ryder and Joseph “I’m Not Ralph” Fiennes. Called The Darwin Awards, it was a very, very poor attempt to make a movie out of the book series that document the stupidest deaths known to man. And not only that – but they were in a scene with Lukas Haas (the lil’ tyke from Witness) and Judah Friedlander (who might be the funniest man on the planet)!

How the fuck did this thing ever go straight to DVD? Clearly, we’re dealing with a masterpiece of Kubrickian proportions…

Skip to 6:21 to see the Metallicats actually have lines n’ shit.

Argue amongst yourselves: which member of Metallica can enjoy a future career as a thespian?

-AR