LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, CALL OFF THE SEARCH: WE HAVE FOUND THE WORST BAND IN METAL TODAY

Okay okay okay, a HUGE pat on the back to MetalSucks reader Thomas C. Wills, who wrote Vince and I to ask us why we’d never covered Van Canto, band that, in the words of Mr. Wills, “make Atreyu look like Watain.” In other words: they’re fucking weak, dude.

See, Van Canto violate what we here at MetalSucks feel is the single unbreakable rule of metal: your music has to have, y’know, instruments. But the band’s website (which I absolutely refuse to link to, discuss, or ever even look at again) describes them thusly: “Five singers, one drummer. No guitars, no bass, no keyboards but nevertheless an unbelievable melodic metal experience.” Which is, of course, the douche baggiest self-description ever written by anyone who’s not a chick on J Date.

Seriously: it’s one thing to do an Iron Maiden song or something as a joke in your college glee club – I mean, you shouldn’t do that, or even be in a college glee club, but I guess if you were it would be excusable – and maybe it would even be cool if these people seemed, y’know, cool, or at least deliberately funny; but they don’t. These people are fucking DORKS, dude, in no small part because they take their shitty little “melodic metal experience” wwwaaaayyyy too fucking seriously (they’re German, so, uh, big shock). I bet these guys all got beaten up in high school, and, no joke, they deserve to be beaten up now.

Do we think they’re all fucking that one girl in the group? I can’t imagine anyone else would fuck them. This is SO FUCKING LAME I don’t even know where to begin. Here’s the video for “The Mission.”

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/6F9aJuHJE80" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Jesus Christ, I just threw up in my own mouth a little bit.

-AR