ANYONE WHO SAYS THE NEW AVENGED SEVENFOLD ALBUM IS GAY IS GAY

Dude. Come on. Anyone who says the new Avenged Sevenfold album is gay is totally gay.

You know how I know they’re gay? ‘Cause, in all seriousness, the new Avenged Sevenfold album is kinda gay. And it takes a man really secure in his heterosexuality to admit that it’s really freakin’ good in spite of – nay, because of – its mild gayness. ‘Cause Avenged Sevenfold is a good album. A good album to fuck girls to.

Seriously, you guys. Just hear me out. We’re friends, right? I mean, that Korn4Life dude came around here and started talkin’ smack, and Vince and I didn’t even have to say anything – y’all jumped his ass and gave him a beat down. So we GOTTA be friends, right? And do friends steer their friends wrong? No. Not good friends. Vince and me been friends for more than twenty fuckin’ years, and we didn’t do that by steering one another wrong. So just hear me out on this one.

Okay. So. Dude: it’s pop metal. You telling me you don’t like pop music at all? I don’t mean fuckin’ Jessica Simpson or whatever – but are you seriously gonna tell me you don’t like The Beatles? What about The Beach Boys? Okay, so, uh, how about Queen?

Oh? Oh, you like Queen, you say? Well, that’s pretty gay, dude. I mean, you don’t get much gayer than Freddie Mercury. Maybe Rob Halford could pull one over on people for years on end (even while wearing black leather with studs and commanding you to ram it down, ram it down, ram it down, ram it down), but Freddie Mercury was pretty flaming, dude. I mean, that guy was gayer than Motley Crue in any of their incarnations.

Gayer than Zakk Wylde proving he’s not gay by pretending to be gay.

Gayer than Jagger fucking Bowie.

Gayer than Sebastian Bach on Broadway.

Gayer than Manson making out with Ramirez while Rikki Rachtman watches on Headbanger’s Ball.

Gayer than Paul Stanley and Adam D. combined.

But Queen were pretty good. Their albums fucking rock, and clearly, a whole lot of thought and skill went into making them. And even if you don’t like them, you can’t argue that a whole lot of thought and skill didn’t go into making them, because you’d just come off as, well, an idiot.

Y’know who else liked Queen a whole lot? Axl Rose.

See that shirt M. Shadows is wearing in the photo above? And remember that time he said how much he loves Use Your Illusion?

[kml_flashembed movie="http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docid=559407304731627978" width="400" height="326" wmode="transparent" /]

(By the way, did Shadows just say that the dudes in Mastodon are friends with the dudes in A7X? Mastodon like Avenged Sevenfold! Mastodon are SO GAY!)

Now, I’m not saying Avenged Sevenfold sound exactly like The Beatles, The Beach Boys, Queen, Motley Crue, or GN’R. I think they’re very much their own band.

All I’m saying is: like a lot of other good bands, they spend a ridiculous amount of time gazing at themselves in the mirror, worrying about how they look, and when they’re not doing that, they make awesome albums that are totally metal and, yes, incorporate elements of such totally gay genres as BNWHM, hair metal, power metal, alternative, country, pop, and show tunes.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go sleep with my girlfriend, who was, in fact, actually, literally gay for four years until I Axl’d her Rosenberg and un-gayed her.

Dude. That’s so gay.

-AR